ABSILVER's World

My life all of a sudden is about looking for simple.. simple life and happy life. What is life and how to find contentment in a sea of complexity. We live in a great time of uncertainty and how do I navigate this challenging time. Thoughts of the evening 1) Election of Obama as president shows the greatness and evolution of the country I call home. Where just a short time ago, the thought of an African American president was unthinkable. Not only has he been elected, but the country holds its hopes on a new future on him. So, I am amazed at how quickly this country can grow. 2) At the same time... this country voted against my right to marry in three different and diverse states. Voters agreed that gay people should not be able to marry people they love. I have to balance the life of understanding how important it is that Obama was elected with the reality that for now I can not marry someone I love in many of the states of this country. I do feel very lucky to live in the

I sit here this morning contemplating the future. IBM just went through a round of lay offs, IBM calls them resource actions, and today I am safe. But many people are not. They have 30 days to find another position at IBM or they are summarily shown the door. When I started at IBM, there was a promise of full employment. Which translated to having a job till retirement and no lay offs. I think this was a bad idea. The branch I started in had many employees that were obviously watching the clock wind down. Then in the late 80's early 90's IBM went through hard times. And the first rounds of layoffs started. In those days, they would rank the branch of employees and wait for a call on Monday. What was the number and if you were above the line you were safe and below the line you were gone. The buyouts and support were quite generous compared to today, and if you were close to retirement you could bridge to retirement. I know some folks who bridged to retirement and are

Here I sit with a view of the bay in Provincetown. Working, and watching time pass by. Provincetown has lost its urgency of summer, but not yet fallen into its deep winter time sleep. In the middle of peace, and hard work... the financial crisis hits home a little. A co-worker asked me if I had looked at my 401K lately.. and of course I had not. I have read you invest for the long term, and at 43 I won't be touching that money for a while any way. But curiousity got the best of me, and yes as everyone else it is down a fair amount from the start of the year. I remind myself that what I should appreciate is how many more shares these funds are buying and when the market turns so will my 401k. I should pay more attention, but I don't want to be a study of money. Maybe if I was I would be a Warrent Buffet or a Suzy Orman maybe? But, I don't want to dedicate the time and so I let these funds that are supposed to be experts manage it for me. They say younger folks sho

What I would have wanted to know when I was 19. 1. Life is not a sprint .. Or a series of races but is a marathon.Life is a long journey and it is a choice to approach it as a series of sprints with short disconnected races. People only see today and don't see the consequences of their actions beyond today. It limits ability to build security, and causes sacrifices of long term happiness.I approach life as a marathon. A long journey, lots of changes of scenery, and an ability to build long term stability and happiness. Making sure to look for happiness along the way. 2. Financial independence is a key ( not the only key ) to happiness and contentment. How much money is required depends on your desires, but money is a key to independence and self determination. 3. Friends come and go in you life. Even the best of friends will ebb from your life, especially if you keep changing. The key is to enjoy them, and understand this reality. 4. Openness to change is another key to stabilit

Where do I fit in? Am I a nice southern man, living up north? I don't feel too southern these days. I know my roots are in Savannah, GA but I must confess to feeling more an affinity to the northeast these days. Am I a New Yorker? I may live in Jersey, but I bet most of the people living around me identify with New York. I love New York. I enjoy the city, the shows, the sights, but not sure I would fit the definition. As I look to people in New York, the speed, the drive the desire the constant activity.. I don't think I fit. Am I a Ptown Townie? I love Provincetown , and the more I am here the more home it feels. But, I don't work here. I work when here, but seems like at times to be a townie and true local you need to work here. You need to earn a living based on the soil or town. I am not an artist, and don't think I have an artist's temperament . So.. although every day I feel more at home.. not sure I fit in. Am I a gay bear? I am hairy. I like

I wonder about home.. and homes again. I seem fixated on this topic of late. Where should my home be? and what constitutes home. We have a study in contrast at the moment. One home.. is small, social, with plenty of new friends nearby. Accepting, intellectual, and much to be desired I think. One home.. is a nice house. Great neighborhood, and great location. But, only has really one friend nearby. And, has memories... of lives past. Then there maybe a future home.. not sure where or when that will materialize. Are memories an albatross bringing me down? or are they a link to my future? time will tell.

I sit here on the morning of June 29 th , my 19 year old niece up stairs and I am wondering about my life's future. She is bright, confident, and growing up to be a charming young lady. I argued with her Mom about this actually. She is here for the summer working, almost a senior at UGA already, and her Mom said she was sending a teenager to me. I denied that and said she was an adult. I must confess to having some stress over this conversation. If she were not an adult, and were going to live here for the summer, I would not have been a happy person. Part of the reason for her being here, is so I can go to Provincetown and have someone looking after house and home. So having my car, and home being watched after by a teenager as compared to an adult would have made me nervous. I also remembered being 19, and had just gotten the co-oping job with IBM. So, I didn't remember thinking of myself as a teenager. Here I was living in Atlanta, working, and as previously post

In the movie, Notes from a Scandal, the comment is made to mind the gap. Mind the gap between what your life is as compared to what you dreamed it would be. I think I am minding the gap today.. but the question is how to cross that gap to the life that I want or dream of. The life I am dreaming of is one of happiness and being content. I am afraid at times the gap I am minding at the moment is the life that once was to the one that will or can be. The relationship.. the love.. the work. All of these things change, life changes and the challenge before me is how not to just mind the gap. Not just how to look at the yellow tape of warning, but to cross the gap. Is it to get on a train to a new world and a new life? or is it walk back up the stairs from the platform back to where I was. Truthfully, I have never walked back from the gaps of my life and don't expect to this time. The question is.. is Highland Park on both sides of the GAP? is Fort Lauderdale across the GAP?

Great Question... I found this paper weight in Key West, Florida. When I was on a Leave of Absence. I look at it every morning and wonder. What would Brian do if he could not fail.. and what would that mean? It comes at me from multiple places.. where would I live? What would I do? What would be the value to me and to others? and as I have said many times here, would I be happy. If happiness is a noble goal, and is of itself helpful in becoming more generous to the world around us, then what can Brian's happiness bring? These questions are very focused in my mind, because for me they also center on where I choose to live. I am a very lucky man. My employer, for all practical purposes, does not care where I live. And, as long as I am not living in Savannah, there is really no one who actually cares where I live either. There are friends in Highland Park who I assume would like to see me stay here. Friends and neighbors in Provincetown that would like to see me there more.. A

Life is an adventure.. and our choices as to handle that adventure that defines us. People who live, work, love and die in the same city... People who wonder around in a mobile home, or a houseboat... People who plant their feet like a tree with shallow roots... ready to hop on the next wind that will pick them up an take them to the next place. And... some like myself, look like the latter but are still looking for that place to plant deep roots. Where neither wind, rain, work, nor life changes could make me want to move my home. I am lucky to have lived as an adult in many different cities. But, I wonder if I will ever find a place that I say this is a home. Where when my end on this earth comes that is where it will happen? Each place I have lived has touched me differently. Partly, because of the stage of my life, but also because of their uniqueness. I sit here on a journey back to New Jersey.. first a Ferry from Provincetown.. night in Cambridge and the back home to Jersey t

I usually come to the Blog with thought in mind. Something that has me challenged, or wanting to get something out of my systems. Today is more of a "yawn" day. I spent last week on the run till late Saturday work wise. From NJ, to Dallas, to Denver and back and I am tired. I slept in. Originally was going to head to Ptown this morning and instead I woke up and went back to sleep. So "yawn" days come with rambling thoughts: * Flying this past week was actually quite pleasant until Saturday. The flight attendants and the whole business seemed to go quite smoothly. I am not sure what to say about the state of the airline industry, but American Airlines did a fine job... until Saturday. I connected through Dallas to get home from Denver. Basically, they decided to change equipment for the flight to Newark and postponed the departure from 11:50am till 1pm. What bothered me was there was no communication at all for the reason until we were on the new plane

What am I? Here I sit on the train from Provincetown (Boston) to New York (and then Highland Park). I wonder what the world sees in Brian. I have been through for me a stressful weekend and realize for most this may not have been, or maybe didn't have to be. But, the question is what am I? Responsible? I work hard, and always have. I remember being 14 and my brother and sister were working. I remember so clearly, feeling left out and that I wanted to work and the world said I was too young. I went and volunteered at the library. I remember the job, there was a periodical room and my job was to help readers. They would submit a list of periodicals they wanted and I would go find them through this room and then of course re-shelf them. A few funny anecdotes is that I am called Brian (middle name) but my first name is Aaron. For some reason, I realized there were so many more Brians in the world. And, I had a choice. So, when I went to volunteer at the Library Aaron Si

What does it mean to be family? Is family simply defined by parents? defined by who we live with? defined by marriage? Or is family defined by the safety and love we feel with others? Maybe the definition of family starts out with all of these.. but in the end is more about love. I think in the end.. it comes down to those people that we love unconditionally. That when we think of people that we want in our life, or people that frankly we don't have a choice consciously. Do we like this person? do we love them? do we want them in our life? all of this has to do with people we choose to have in our life. These people tend to end up being transient in my life. That is even if it is for a decade they are in my life, but as I grow and change, they tend to drift away. But, there are some people that choice.. choice to care.. choice to love is not a choice. My parents I love.. if I had a choice I would love them. But, I don't ever remember making a choice to love them. I do remember

That is how my week has been... the last few weeks. Work in Las Vegas was quite great. Good meetings.. productive.. feeling like I was moving the ball forward. Ideas around sales training, and demo equipment for partners were all well received. So, here we go.. great and nice to see other IBM folks face to face that you work with every day. Then.. the week back is a week of great news. IBM earning are up, while pressure on sales and management is up as well. I am not sure if this is a matter of trying to keep the success going, or it is a matter of leveraging hard economic times to make changes at the employment level. IBM is a great company, but there are occasions in the new world where I feel there is added pressure put on employees and this week that extra weight has fallen on my shoulders. So the earnings are like sweet chocolate, but the work and climate are more like a hot pepper. I love my job, and I love my ability to get things done. Partly, because I have worked 20 y

I wonder what it all means. I have been working for IBM more than 20 years. At the height of my career, according to some, I had 15 people reporting to me. Two of those 15 are now executives, and one was just promoted to Vice President. All I can think of is how lucky I feel. I know I am supposed to be ambitious , e and I feel quite confident if I had chosen a different path their choices could be mine. They are married. With children, and have obligations in their life I will never have. They also happen to be somewhat younger than I am. But, I sit here wondering what it is all about. Is it about money? is it about taking better care of their own family? Is it about proving things to others? And if it is about these things, what happened to me. I have a good life. Two homes I am proud of, but on a scale of most I am not a rich man. I am just me. The idea of the drive and time that their jobs require. The ultimate pressure to get ahead. To see what others want, the po

Here I sit in New Jersey, on the beginning of a journey. It is rainy and chilly.. and yet there are touches of spring all around. Warmer afternoons but the evenings and mornings are still chilly. Highland Park is beginning to feel more and more like home. Which is a good thing, but at the same time I have a yearning. I have not been to Provincetown since January. Which for me is an eternity. For those of you who don't know me.. 2 years ago in March I decided I wanted a place in Provincetown. If I could find something within my budget. Harry and I had broken up, and I missed the feeling of gay community in Florida. I also had always enjoyed Provincetown. We always seemed to go for 5 days and stay a day or two more. My first time in Provincetown is quite interesting. I had a 58 year old boy friend who was an English Professor and Opera singer and we did a road trip between Boston and Provincetown I think. I remember spending one night in a roadside motel. He didn't want to plan e

What happens when the world around you looks like a whirl wind, and you feel that you could be the calm in the center: * The presidential election is all a turmoil. Should Hillary give in to the party and allow Obama to gain the nomination? Or should she follow her gut and her heart? Is she running just to continue to raise funds to pay back her loan? all of this seems to be possibilities. And, all I can say is I have passion for her being elected but with each passing day my interest in a truly important election year is declining. * Brother moves to Milwaukee, and does not have things settled back in Savannah where he still has a house and a mortgage. And, his job seems to be less than secure. So, I wonder what is next and realize there is not much I can or should do about it. His choices in life would not be mine, and certainly I was not asked for my input either. * The economy is showing signs of strain and recession. Certainly is true in the state of New Jersey where th

I sit here getting ready for the day of work. I find the typing and blogging to be good, and feel somewhat obligated to write something ever so often. And yet, I know of only 4 or 5 people that I have shared this with. They are probably the only people that even know blog is out there. I don't put labels on my posts and doubt that I am on the Google radar screen, but I still like to write occasionally . So, if no one really reads my blog does it matter? Maybe, maybe not.. as I really am using it as I have therapy. It is an opportunity to put out there what is in my mind and heart and try to not edit myself. Discuss the death of Daisy? being a Jewish boy in Savannah? A wet rainy vacation day in Key West? All of these things have meaning to me and yet writing about them today mostly serves the writer. I have let a few people I trust read the blog. I have purposely kept it from my family and even some close friends. Why? It is sort of like coming out again to me. This blog is b

I sit here on Good Friday. A nice Jewish boy from Savannah, GA not truly understanding the holiday that is not mine. I want to learn more, but also doesn't seem a lot of explanation for why this day is a good Friday. But, this day is a good Friday for Jewish People. It is Purim. Purim speaks to so many of my memories. It is a celebration of Jews reclaiming their independence from an evil man Haman. It is also about the empowerment of women. The hero is Esther. Who leverages her love and opportunity to protect her people, and also to help end the hatred of another. But for me, Purim has personal memories. The reading of the megillah (the story of Esther) and listening to the noise makers drown out Haman's name. Was not always pleasant. Going to synagogue, my grandfather always wanted me to be down with the other kids. I didn't want to be down there. The noise was deafening. I wanted to be next to my Grandpa. It took him a few years, but eventually he figured this out and sto

I went to therapy yesterday with Linda. Linda is my therapist and has been now for over 3 years. Linda is bright, and smart enough to not allow me to con her into talking about things that don't matter. My first therapist had me talking about her breasts at one point. I realized then that was the end of my therapy. Frankly, as a gay man, her breasts were about the last thing I wanted or needed to discuss. Yesterday, the discussion rambled around my vacation. And it also came around to discussing my openness to have someone in my life that would make me their priority as she feels I have done so often for others. I have always had a feeling of being alone. Not a bad feeling, but except for years with Harry, I have not had someone in my life that I thought I was a priority with. Frankly, even in Harry's life I knew I was not numero uno. I knew there was Harry as it should be, and other things took precedence from time to time, including Daisy. I met Harry in Florida. But since ou

I sit back in Highland Park.. on a chilly wet day in New Jersey. When I landed at Newark, early, and the weather was chilly and overcast. Getting off the plane you feel a chill in the air and realize it has been a good week. But, my blood had thinned. What started in Key West. As a break from work, and also a comfortable place that always makes me feel at peace. Similar feelings to Provincetown, but not with the same depth I guess. How can it be bad.. when you can sit waiting for the sun to set with a live jazz band and a sea of performers and locals understanding their focus is on the sun set. For someone who lives a corporate life.. and schedule.. and priorities to see grown successful adults put focus on a sunset. Then to think they do this every day! and you realize there are different ways to live and to live productive happy lives. I woke up early Wednesday morning, and enjoyed the sunrise! After many sunsets over the years, this was a new experience for me in Key West. Compared

I sit here in the rain of Key West. Thinking about the news of Elliot Spitzer hiring prostitutes, and he got caught. He didn't just get caught cheating on his wife, but he hired prostitutes. I for some reason am struck by his arrogance. Here is a man who road into power as the defender of what is right and legal in this country. Chasing down the top executives on Wall Street as if he was the judge and jury in many cases. Road to the governorship as being honorable, honest and certainly not above the law. But, in the middle of all of this he was hiring prostitutes. The NY Times says he hired many and that the agency was familiar with him. He had a tendency to be difficult and want things that were not necessarily "safe" but this last dalliance that got him caught went fine. It struck me to the contrast of a few years ago with Mgreevey in New Jersey. Here is a man who was definitely cheating on his wife. He appeared before the public and resigned. He ba

In Key West... I walk.. and walk. Walk to the sunset. But just clouds and a huge Disney cruise ship. Just Brian and Brian walking and enjoying a moment of pure absence from the rest of the world. Thinking time.. just what I ordered and here it is. Do I belong? in Key West? Highland Park? Provincetown ? Fort Lauderdale ? Where does Brian belong? I sit here listening to the bar down stairs listening to Dolly and more. Where do I belong? on the path to happiness and looking for answers. I hope in all the right places.

I am generally a happy person. I have a nice home (actually homes). Good job, and except for the occasional moment pretty well balanced I think. So, why do I see a therapist? I started going to a therapist for the first time my ex and I had problems about 7 years ago. The first therapist helped, and helped us get back together. But, she was for me like a quick order restaurant. Once the current challenge was over, her value to me personally diminished greatly. I ended up spending more time talking about everyone else, and my friend that was seeing her. As compared to focusing on Brian and my life and where I was going. A few years later, I started to not like to drive long distances. More importantly is it became a stressful place for me to be. Most of my adult life, driving was therapeutic to me. I loved driving and getting out. I would drive from Jacksonville to Atlanta at a moments notice. Or when I lived in Atlanta drive to get lost and find my way home. Didn't matter how lon

I wake up this morning.. to a sea of notes and all I can think of is at the end of today I will be on vacation for a week. I am a very lucky man. I have a good job at IBM, and have taken on a new role this year as a channel sales leader for a product called DataPower . Which is a network software appliance. All is good, and I am learning about products and refreshing some skills such as security knowledge that is the reason I came up to New York. But, boy do I need a holiday. Work for me is typically an Oasis in my life. I have been with IBM in some capacity since December, 1984. So, IBM is comfortable and in times of stress personally I love to work and fall into this comfortable world that I am good at, knowledgeable, and have had the luxury of changing jobs while working for the same company. The funny thing is, jobs at IBM are hard to explain to the real world. So, I always feel like I can't share too much with outsiders without seeing their eyes glaze over. But, people