ABSILVER's World

I sit here getting ready for the day of work. I find the typing and blogging to be good, and feel somewhat obligated to write something ever so often. And yet, I know of only 4 or 5 people that I have shared this with. They are probably the only people that even know blog is out there. I don't put labels on my posts and doubt that I am on the Google radar screen, but I still like to write occasionally . So, if no one really reads my blog does it matter? Maybe, maybe not.. as I really am using it as I have therapy. It is an opportunity to put out there what is in my mind and heart and try to not edit myself. Discuss the death of Daisy? being a Jewish boy in Savannah? A wet rainy vacation day in Key West? All of these things have meaning to me and yet writing about them today mostly serves the writer. I have let a few people I trust read the blog. I have purposely kept it from my family and even some close friends. Why? It is sort of like coming out again to me. This blog is b

I sit here on Good Friday. A nice Jewish boy from Savannah, GA not truly understanding the holiday that is not mine. I want to learn more, but also doesn't seem a lot of explanation for why this day is a good Friday. But, this day is a good Friday for Jewish People. It is Purim. Purim speaks to so many of my memories. It is a celebration of Jews reclaiming their independence from an evil man Haman. It is also about the empowerment of women. The hero is Esther. Who leverages her love and opportunity to protect her people, and also to help end the hatred of another. But for me, Purim has personal memories. The reading of the megillah (the story of Esther) and listening to the noise makers drown out Haman's name. Was not always pleasant. Going to synagogue, my grandfather always wanted me to be down with the other kids. I didn't want to be down there. The noise was deafening. I wanted to be next to my Grandpa. It took him a few years, but eventually he figured this out and sto

I went to therapy yesterday with Linda. Linda is my therapist and has been now for over 3 years. Linda is bright, and smart enough to not allow me to con her into talking about things that don't matter. My first therapist had me talking about her breasts at one point. I realized then that was the end of my therapy. Frankly, as a gay man, her breasts were about the last thing I wanted or needed to discuss. Yesterday, the discussion rambled around my vacation. And it also came around to discussing my openness to have someone in my life that would make me their priority as she feels I have done so often for others. I have always had a feeling of being alone. Not a bad feeling, but except for years with Harry, I have not had someone in my life that I thought I was a priority with. Frankly, even in Harry's life I knew I was not numero uno. I knew there was Harry as it should be, and other things took precedence from time to time, including Daisy. I met Harry in Florida. But since ou

I sit back in Highland Park.. on a chilly wet day in New Jersey. When I landed at Newark, early, and the weather was chilly and overcast. Getting off the plane you feel a chill in the air and realize it has been a good week. But, my blood had thinned. What started in Key West. As a break from work, and also a comfortable place that always makes me feel at peace. Similar feelings to Provincetown, but not with the same depth I guess. How can it be bad.. when you can sit waiting for the sun to set with a live jazz band and a sea of performers and locals understanding their focus is on the sun set. For someone who lives a corporate life.. and schedule.. and priorities to see grown successful adults put focus on a sunset. Then to think they do this every day! and you realize there are different ways to live and to live productive happy lives. I woke up early Wednesday morning, and enjoyed the sunrise! After many sunsets over the years, this was a new experience for me in Key West. Compared

I sit here in the rain of Key West. Thinking about the news of Elliot Spitzer hiring prostitutes, and he got caught. He didn't just get caught cheating on his wife, but he hired prostitutes. I for some reason am struck by his arrogance. Here is a man who road into power as the defender of what is right and legal in this country. Chasing down the top executives on Wall Street as if he was the judge and jury in many cases. Road to the governorship as being honorable, honest and certainly not above the law. But, in the middle of all of this he was hiring prostitutes. The NY Times says he hired many and that the agency was familiar with him. He had a tendency to be difficult and want things that were not necessarily "safe" but this last dalliance that got him caught went fine. It struck me to the contrast of a few years ago with Mgreevey in New Jersey. Here is a man who was definitely cheating on his wife. He appeared before the public and resigned. He ba

In Key West... I walk.. and walk. Walk to the sunset. But just clouds and a huge Disney cruise ship. Just Brian and Brian walking and enjoying a moment of pure absence from the rest of the world. Thinking time.. just what I ordered and here it is. Do I belong? in Key West? Highland Park? Provincetown ? Fort Lauderdale ? Where does Brian belong? I sit here listening to the bar down stairs listening to Dolly and more. Where do I belong? on the path to happiness and looking for answers. I hope in all the right places.

I am generally a happy person. I have a nice home (actually homes). Good job, and except for the occasional moment pretty well balanced I think. So, why do I see a therapist? I started going to a therapist for the first time my ex and I had problems about 7 years ago. The first therapist helped, and helped us get back together. But, she was for me like a quick order restaurant. Once the current challenge was over, her value to me personally diminished greatly. I ended up spending more time talking about everyone else, and my friend that was seeing her. As compared to focusing on Brian and my life and where I was going. A few years later, I started to not like to drive long distances. More importantly is it became a stressful place for me to be. Most of my adult life, driving was therapeutic to me. I loved driving and getting out. I would drive from Jacksonville to Atlanta at a moments notice. Or when I lived in Atlanta drive to get lost and find my way home. Didn't matter how lon

I wake up this morning.. to a sea of notes and all I can think of is at the end of today I will be on vacation for a week. I am a very lucky man. I have a good job at IBM, and have taken on a new role this year as a channel sales leader for a product called DataPower . Which is a network software appliance. All is good, and I am learning about products and refreshing some skills such as security knowledge that is the reason I came up to New York. But, boy do I need a holiday. Work for me is typically an Oasis in my life. I have been with IBM in some capacity since December, 1984. So, IBM is comfortable and in times of stress personally I love to work and fall into this comfortable world that I am good at, knowledgeable, and have had the luxury of changing jobs while working for the same company. The funny thing is, jobs at IBM are hard to explain to the real world. So, I always feel like I can't share too much with outsiders without seeing their eyes glaze over. But, people

Lately, I have been thinking of what it means to be happy. I at times in my life have looked for an audience, family, friends, co-workers to all stand up and applaud. Thinking that their acceptance and acknowledgement would make me happy by acknowledging my happiness. I also have always had this inner self that watched others, and observed them to see if I wanted to switch lives with anyone. Not to be jealous, but to see if there were qualities or things in their lives that I wanted to emulate and would help mine. Truthfully, I have met one person in my life that I would want to switch with.. and only for a day and that is my ex, Harry. His mind works in such contrast to mine. Feelings and Creativity rule his thought process, and mine has grown up in this school and corporate mode to analyze and deliver that living in his mind I wonder if I could find hidden strength. I have learned thanks to him to just have confidence at times that things will be OK . I used to stress ou