What does it mean to be family?
Is family simply defined by parents? defined by who we live with? defined by marriage?
Or is family defined by the safety and love we feel with others? Maybe the definition of family starts out with all of these.. but in the end is more about love.
I think in the end.. it comes down to those people that we love unconditionally. That when we think of people that we want in our life, or people that frankly we don't have a choice consciously. Do we like this person? do we love them? do we want them in our life? all of this has to do with people we choose to have in our life. These people tend to end up being transient in my life. That is even if it is for a decade they are in my life, but as I grow and change, they tend to drift away. But, there are some people that choice.. choice to care.. choice to love is not a choice.
My parents I love.. if I had a choice I would love them. But, I don't ever remember making a choice to love them. I do remember coming out to them.. or more importantly realizing I needed to come out to them. Was living in South Florida. They came down to visit, and as always wanted to meet my friends. Well, for the first time, all the people I knew in S. Florida at the time were gay. My friends and current partner were all gay.. and this led them to wonder.
In my family, for some reason, this did not mean ask Brian are you gay. No, this means that they started to talk to my sister and brother. And of course, they each called me and laughed about it. I remember consciously not lying about it, but was not ready to come out to them for sure. If I was going to come out I should come out to my parents first.
I bring this up in context of choice and family, because I realized as I had to come out to them. This was a month later and my sister called and they were still talking about it. I realized that to come out to them.. I needed to consciously realize they could possibly disown me. Many friends parents would not accept the fact that their children were gay. I read about this, and realized to come out was a choice but I had to be prepared for any reaction of my parents. I was very lucky. My mother, being my mother, first wanted to know I was healthy and then debated with me if she really wanted to know. Then my Dad wanted me to go to therapy to adjust. Once I suggested he go to therapy as well he seemed to realize this was who I was and that was that. He was going to love me any way.
So, as far as the coming our process, I was very lucky. Much luckier than most. My brother has been difficult, to put it mildly, but overall the reaction of my family has been accepting. When Harry and I were together they learned to care and love him as well.
But, this is not a family of choice to me. I would have loved my parents regardless of their choice in this moment. Would have realized they handled it and still handle this the best they can.
Interestingly, the first person I came out to was not my family. After myself, I came out to Cecilia. This very smart, elegant, successful lady of color who became such a good friend. We never worked together, but started out working near each other in the office. As time went on, and after many long lunches and deep talks, we grew to be very good friends. Frankly, I would suggest that as time goes we have become family. We can go months without talking, and quickly get back to who we are together in a quick call. I would come to work on Monday.. and Cecilia would ask me about my weekend and I would be very vague. Finally, one day at lunch she started to ask more detailed questions. I don't remember all of the questions, but I promised not to lie to her. And finally, she asked if I was gay and I said yes. She was so easy about it, and I realized that there was only one choice in the long run. Cecilia starts out as a family of choice in my mind, and now that choice is no more.
My comment, is to say that there are relationships that start out of choice. My relationship with Harry starts with a kiss. Kiss Harry, and then a relationship begins. The choice then to call him.. to go on a date.. to start to see him regularly after moving to NY. All of this is a choice.
Somewhere along the way, as my love for Harry grew, the choice went away. That is to say the choice to love and like Harry has been removed from my Psyche. I understand our relationship has changed. Our relationship is a choice of both of us, but the love and feelings for Harry are not my choice. So, when he calls because Daisy is not well, my reaction are not normal to me. I don't debate the right thing.. I just knew the right thing you hop on a flight and head south to be with him. When he calls because family is visiting and would I want to have them over for dinner? I respond.. not with deep thought but with a feeling of I know.. and just do. Why cause as my feelings are not a choice, wanting to be his friend, brothers of choice is my desire. Not in my mind.. but my heart.
Is family simply defined by parents? defined by who we live with? defined by marriage?
Or is family defined by the safety and love we feel with others? Maybe the definition of family starts out with all of these.. but in the end is more about love.
I think in the end.. it comes down to those people that we love unconditionally. That when we think of people that we want in our life, or people that frankly we don't have a choice consciously. Do we like this person? do we love them? do we want them in our life? all of this has to do with people we choose to have in our life. These people tend to end up being transient in my life. That is even if it is for a decade they are in my life, but as I grow and change, they tend to drift away. But, there are some people that choice.. choice to care.. choice to love is not a choice.
My parents I love.. if I had a choice I would love them. But, I don't ever remember making a choice to love them. I do remember coming out to them.. or more importantly realizing I needed to come out to them. Was living in South Florida. They came down to visit, and as always wanted to meet my friends. Well, for the first time, all the people I knew in S. Florida at the time were gay. My friends and current partner were all gay.. and this led them to wonder.
In my family, for some reason, this did not mean ask Brian are you gay. No, this means that they started to talk to my sister and brother. And of course, they each called me and laughed about it. I remember consciously not lying about it, but was not ready to come out to them for sure. If I was going to come out I should come out to my parents first.
I bring this up in context of choice and family, because I realized as I had to come out to them. This was a month later and my sister called and they were still talking about it. I realized that to come out to them.. I needed to consciously realize they could possibly disown me. Many friends parents would not accept the fact that their children were gay. I read about this, and realized to come out was a choice but I had to be prepared for any reaction of my parents. I was very lucky. My mother, being my mother, first wanted to know I was healthy and then debated with me if she really wanted to know. Then my Dad wanted me to go to therapy to adjust. Once I suggested he go to therapy as well he seemed to realize this was who I was and that was that. He was going to love me any way.
So, as far as the coming our process, I was very lucky. Much luckier than most. My brother has been difficult, to put it mildly, but overall the reaction of my family has been accepting. When Harry and I were together they learned to care and love him as well.
But, this is not a family of choice to me. I would have loved my parents regardless of their choice in this moment. Would have realized they handled it and still handle this the best they can.
Interestingly, the first person I came out to was not my family. After myself, I came out to Cecilia. This very smart, elegant, successful lady of color who became such a good friend. We never worked together, but started out working near each other in the office. As time went on, and after many long lunches and deep talks, we grew to be very good friends. Frankly, I would suggest that as time goes we have become family. We can go months without talking, and quickly get back to who we are together in a quick call. I would come to work on Monday.. and Cecilia would ask me about my weekend and I would be very vague. Finally, one day at lunch she started to ask more detailed questions. I don't remember all of the questions, but I promised not to lie to her. And finally, she asked if I was gay and I said yes. She was so easy about it, and I realized that there was only one choice in the long run. Cecilia starts out as a family of choice in my mind, and now that choice is no more.
My comment, is to say that there are relationships that start out of choice. My relationship with Harry starts with a kiss. Kiss Harry, and then a relationship begins. The choice then to call him.. to go on a date.. to start to see him regularly after moving to NY. All of this is a choice.
Somewhere along the way, as my love for Harry grew, the choice went away. That is to say the choice to love and like Harry has been removed from my Psyche. I understand our relationship has changed. Our relationship is a choice of both of us, but the love and feelings for Harry are not my choice. So, when he calls because Daisy is not well, my reaction are not normal to me. I don't debate the right thing.. I just knew the right thing you hop on a flight and head south to be with him. When he calls because family is visiting and would I want to have them over for dinner? I respond.. not with deep thought but with a feeling of I know.. and just do. Why cause as my feelings are not a choice, wanting to be his friend, brothers of choice is my desire. Not in my mind.. but my heart.
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