Daisy and Therapy
I went to therapy yesterday with Linda. Linda is my therapist and has been now for over 3 years. Linda is bright, and smart enough to not allow me to con her into talking about things that don't matter. My first therapist had me talking about her breasts at one point. I realized then that was the end of my therapy. Frankly, as a gay man, her breasts were about the last thing I wanted or needed to discuss.
Yesterday, the discussion rambled around my vacation. And it also came around to discussing my openness to have someone in my life that would make me their priority as she feels I have done so often for others. I have always had a feeling of being alone. Not a bad feeling, but except for years with Harry, I have not had someone in my life that I thought I was a priority with. Frankly, even in Harry's life I knew I was not numero uno. I knew there was Harry as it should be, and other things took precedence from time to time, including Daisy.
I met Harry in Florida. But since our time as a couple started in New York and New Jersey Daisy was a part of my life as well. I remember Harry saying to me if Daisy had not fallen in love with me, then I would have been history. I realized years later the reverse would have been true. If Daisy had not been such a sweet and happy dog I would not have fallen in love with Harry the way I did. I remember realizing early on how she reflected the best of Harry. She learned to love me. She spent many weekends in my first apartment in Westchester, and also in all the homes we shared. She had her chair in the house.. I remember realizing her paws were slowly tearing up the upholstery on the chair, and realizing I really didn't care. I was just happy to have her, Harry and I home together.
So, Harry and I broke up. For a long time we didn't talk, and the only time I saw Daisy was to watch her for a weekend so Harry could go play in New York that weekend. In the day time, she was constantly looking for Harry. Made me sad that she was not as comfortable with me as she had been just a few months ago. At night, she was fine. She would snuggle with me in bed and at this point she had lost most of her hearing and was just happy to be with me. But come the day time, I realized that this was not home to her any more. I lost out on Harry and Daisy.. and went from a warm home to having to learn to appreciate this home alone.
I kept thinking about getting a puppy. I still do. There was a cute schnauzer puppy in Ptown. The lady had ordered over the Internet basically, and was so sweet I thought I could do that. I even looked at the web site. But, as long as I knew Daisy was alive, I couldn't. I couldn't cheat on her. So, I waited.
About two months ago, Harry calls. Daisy is not well. Now she cannot see or hear and her back leg had given out on her. He was distraught, and I offered to come down to help him and her. I don't even remember debating it in my mind. Do I belong there with him and Daisy. I offered and the next day was on a plane to Fort Lauderdale. I remember so clearly walking up to the door of the condo. And there she was standing in the hallway as she had done so many times before. In her younger days, and our happier ones, I would come in and she would hear me coming up the stairs and be there waiting. Or just enjoying the sunshine. I remember going in, and at first she didn't realize it was me. Took her a day actually, and frankly needed Harry around to realize who I was I think. Took me a while to realize how bad off she was. She couldn't hear or see, and frankly because of her leg and not being able to stand up easily she would stand all day waiting for Harry. This sweet dog who for many years had spent her days running around the yard at Bluumes. Going for rides every where, and just being a happy dog across all of the homes and locations. Had become a dog whose quality of life had left her and Harry knew it.
She had a vet appointment scheduled for that Wednesday.
I had been afraid that I would just get a call from Harry, or an email when Daisy did pass. I would have missed out on her at the end, and not been there for her. Instead, here I was with her and realizing that this was her last days. This vet appointment was not to check on her and see what could make her better, but Harry had been going through this for 9 months and realized this was her time. I also realized that I was lucky to be able to share these last days with her. She did remember me, and was willing to let me carry her outside and be with her. The last night I remember we all slept in the same bed as we had done for so many years. And she was right in the middle, touching both of us. As if somehow she knew and wanted us together or at least together with her.
Harry, was amazing.. he treated her like a queen. The last few days for Daisy were like the last 10 years. He did whatever he felt she needed and pleased her. So Daisy didn't realize or pick up any negative vibes. He did decide that this vet appointment was the end. I remember hearing him talk to the Vet's office. This last day was an experience I will never forget.
Harry, Daisy and I get in a taxi to go to the Vet. I carried her down and as we get in the taxi it was obvious to me and Daisy that Harry had started to distance himself from her. She kept looking for him, while in my arms, and by the time we got to the Vet she was crying. I thought I had this under control, and as we walked in I started crying with her. I carried her in, and I carried her back to the examining room. There is the tech having the conversation while I am crying like i never have, and so is Daisy. Harry is strong in the discussion, and I end up handing her over to the tech. I have seen this done many times. I helped a friend at his vet practice in Atlanta. But, these were not Daisy. I handed her over, and Harry and I walked out. I remember the longest hug he and I had had in years. Both crying, and realizing that as she had done so many times, she had helped bring us back into each others life.
The amazing thing is, I am not a cryer. I am not a drama queen. Other times in my life of sadness, death, and even other dogs. I have been sad, but not like this. The idea that I got to share her life, and frankly the end, was one of the most heartfelt and sad experiences of my life.
I felt honored to share so much of her life. I also felt honored to experience the end as well. Harry said afterward. He called not knowing I would come down. But, he knew that last hour of taking her to the vet was something he couldn't do. I know he called me to be there to support him. I also realize he knew I would trust his judgement. That this was her time, and he made the right choice. I also had a strength to help in the end and as we had so many times the three of us for the moment were a family.
I don't look at this all with sad eyes. I also look at this as a great honor. To share that special time with her and Harry will be a memory I will carry for all of my life.
So, what does this have to do with Therapy and Linda? Linda asked me where was the person that would take care of me. She sees me taking care of so many people. Even Daisy in the end, and who will be there for me as a priority. I don't know that answer. I expect me to take care of me to be honest. Not that is a bad thing, but I don't have high expectations that there will be someone there just for me.
Yesterday, the discussion rambled around my vacation. And it also came around to discussing my openness to have someone in my life that would make me their priority as she feels I have done so often for others. I have always had a feeling of being alone. Not a bad feeling, but except for years with Harry, I have not had someone in my life that I thought I was a priority with. Frankly, even in Harry's life I knew I was not numero uno. I knew there was Harry as it should be, and other things took precedence from time to time, including Daisy.
I met Harry in Florida. But since our time as a couple started in New York and New Jersey Daisy was a part of my life as well. I remember Harry saying to me if Daisy had not fallen in love with me, then I would have been history. I realized years later the reverse would have been true. If Daisy had not been such a sweet and happy dog I would not have fallen in love with Harry the way I did. I remember realizing early on how she reflected the best of Harry. She learned to love me. She spent many weekends in my first apartment in Westchester, and also in all the homes we shared. She had her chair in the house.. I remember realizing her paws were slowly tearing up the upholstery on the chair, and realizing I really didn't care. I was just happy to have her, Harry and I home together.
So, Harry and I broke up. For a long time we didn't talk, and the only time I saw Daisy was to watch her for a weekend so Harry could go play in New York that weekend. In the day time, she was constantly looking for Harry. Made me sad that she was not as comfortable with me as she had been just a few months ago. At night, she was fine. She would snuggle with me in bed and at this point she had lost most of her hearing and was just happy to be with me. But come the day time, I realized that this was not home to her any more. I lost out on Harry and Daisy.. and went from a warm home to having to learn to appreciate this home alone.
I kept thinking about getting a puppy. I still do. There was a cute schnauzer puppy in Ptown. The lady had ordered over the Internet basically, and was so sweet I thought I could do that. I even looked at the web site. But, as long as I knew Daisy was alive, I couldn't. I couldn't cheat on her. So, I waited.
About two months ago, Harry calls. Daisy is not well. Now she cannot see or hear and her back leg had given out on her. He was distraught, and I offered to come down to help him and her. I don't even remember debating it in my mind. Do I belong there with him and Daisy. I offered and the next day was on a plane to Fort Lauderdale. I remember so clearly walking up to the door of the condo. And there she was standing in the hallway as she had done so many times before. In her younger days, and our happier ones, I would come in and she would hear me coming up the stairs and be there waiting. Or just enjoying the sunshine. I remember going in, and at first she didn't realize it was me. Took her a day actually, and frankly needed Harry around to realize who I was I think. Took me a while to realize how bad off she was. She couldn't hear or see, and frankly because of her leg and not being able to stand up easily she would stand all day waiting for Harry. This sweet dog who for many years had spent her days running around the yard at Bluumes. Going for rides every where, and just being a happy dog across all of the homes and locations. Had become a dog whose quality of life had left her and Harry knew it.
She had a vet appointment scheduled for that Wednesday.
I had been afraid that I would just get a call from Harry, or an email when Daisy did pass. I would have missed out on her at the end, and not been there for her. Instead, here I was with her and realizing that this was her last days. This vet appointment was not to check on her and see what could make her better, but Harry had been going through this for 9 months and realized this was her time. I also realized that I was lucky to be able to share these last days with her. She did remember me, and was willing to let me carry her outside and be with her. The last night I remember we all slept in the same bed as we had done for so many years. And she was right in the middle, touching both of us. As if somehow she knew and wanted us together or at least together with her.
Harry, was amazing.. he treated her like a queen. The last few days for Daisy were like the last 10 years. He did whatever he felt she needed and pleased her. So Daisy didn't realize or pick up any negative vibes. He did decide that this vet appointment was the end. I remember hearing him talk to the Vet's office. This last day was an experience I will never forget.
Harry, Daisy and I get in a taxi to go to the Vet. I carried her down and as we get in the taxi it was obvious to me and Daisy that Harry had started to distance himself from her. She kept looking for him, while in my arms, and by the time we got to the Vet she was crying. I thought I had this under control, and as we walked in I started crying with her. I carried her in, and I carried her back to the examining room. There is the tech having the conversation while I am crying like i never have, and so is Daisy. Harry is strong in the discussion, and I end up handing her over to the tech. I have seen this done many times. I helped a friend at his vet practice in Atlanta. But, these were not Daisy. I handed her over, and Harry and I walked out. I remember the longest hug he and I had had in years. Both crying, and realizing that as she had done so many times, she had helped bring us back into each others life.
The amazing thing is, I am not a cryer. I am not a drama queen. Other times in my life of sadness, death, and even other dogs. I have been sad, but not like this. The idea that I got to share her life, and frankly the end, was one of the most heartfelt and sad experiences of my life.
I felt honored to share so much of her life. I also felt honored to experience the end as well. Harry said afterward. He called not knowing I would come down. But, he knew that last hour of taking her to the vet was something he couldn't do. I know he called me to be there to support him. I also realize he knew I would trust his judgement. That this was her time, and he made the right choice. I also had a strength to help in the end and as we had so many times the three of us for the moment were a family.
I don't look at this all with sad eyes. I also look at this as a great honor. To share that special time with her and Harry will be a memory I will carry for all of my life.
So, what does this have to do with Therapy and Linda? Linda asked me where was the person that would take care of me. She sees me taking care of so many people. Even Daisy in the end, and who will be there for me as a priority. I don't know that answer. I expect me to take care of me to be honest. Not that is a bad thing, but I don't have high expectations that there will be someone there just for me.
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