Where am I going to?
I sit back in Highland Park.. on a chilly wet day in New Jersey.
When I landed at Newark, early, and the weather was chilly and overcast. Getting off the plane you feel a chill in the air and realize it has been a good week. But, my blood had thinned.
What started in Key West. As a break from work, and also a comfortable place that always makes me feel at peace. Similar feelings to Provincetown, but not with the same depth I guess. How can it be bad.. when you can sit waiting for the sun to set with a live jazz band and a sea of performers and locals understanding their focus is on the sun set. For someone who lives a corporate life.. and schedule.. and priorities to see grown successful adults put focus on a sunset. Then to think they do this every day! and you realize there are different ways to live and to live productive happy lives.
I woke up early Wednesday morning, and enjoyed the sunrise! After many sunsets over the years, this was a new experience for me in Key West. Compared to the sunset, I was there alone. Standing out on a pier watching the sunlight try to break free I felt a peace of my heart.
I was very much ready to leave and head to Fort Lauderdale.
Fort Lauderdale, as a visitor is an interesting experience. I saw friends I have met from other places but don't really have friends from my time living there. So, as they think I am a visitor I have lived there as a resident, or a snow bird for so many years I do know my way around. Am I walking through my past? or walking toward a new future?
Fort Lauderdale is where I came out to the most important person, myself. I was in Atlanta and knew that men turned me on but was in total denial that I was gay. Too much family, friends, and people from work around. I was partly afraid someone would figure it our, and partly afraid that I was wrong. But, I arrived in Fort Lauderdale not knowing a soul. So, the opportunity to see if I was gay and come out to me was real. Nobody would know, and if I wasn't then my future was a life alone. I didn't know what it meant to be gay. I guess in many ways I still don't. I just know who I am.
So, Fort Lauderdale was a sandbox for Brian. Maybe for the first time to try and bring Brian together into one honest person. Being honest with Brian. I enjoyed the first year or two of being in Fort Lauderdale and as far as family, friends and work the only one that knew was Brian. I remember going to my first bar, and realizing I wasn't alone or unique.
Fort Lauderdale in the early 90's wasn't as prominently gay as it is today. Or, I just don't remember it being any other way. There were gay bars, and people having fun but I don't remember feeling there was a true community of gay people. Maybe it was my ignorance, or not looking. This was also when HIV and Aids was a death sentence and so this must of had an effect as well.
Fort Lauderdale now is a mecca for tourist, gay men from all over the world. At the same time, there is an undercurrent of men who live there year around who have and are creating their own community. So, as I watch and contemplate where I might live. What is the future for Brian in the next 10 years. I wonder about trying to become a part of another gay community as I have in Provincetown.
Not sure what this all means... but just another chapter of thinking and pondering the future.
When I landed at Newark, early, and the weather was chilly and overcast. Getting off the plane you feel a chill in the air and realize it has been a good week. But, my blood had thinned.
What started in Key West. As a break from work, and also a comfortable place that always makes me feel at peace. Similar feelings to Provincetown, but not with the same depth I guess. How can it be bad.. when you can sit waiting for the sun to set with a live jazz band and a sea of performers and locals understanding their focus is on the sun set. For someone who lives a corporate life.. and schedule.. and priorities to see grown successful adults put focus on a sunset. Then to think they do this every day! and you realize there are different ways to live and to live productive happy lives.
I woke up early Wednesday morning, and enjoyed the sunrise! After many sunsets over the years, this was a new experience for me in Key West. Compared to the sunset, I was there alone. Standing out on a pier watching the sunlight try to break free I felt a peace of my heart.
I was very much ready to leave and head to Fort Lauderdale.
Fort Lauderdale, as a visitor is an interesting experience. I saw friends I have met from other places but don't really have friends from my time living there. So, as they think I am a visitor I have lived there as a resident, or a snow bird for so many years I do know my way around. Am I walking through my past? or walking toward a new future?
Fort Lauderdale is where I came out to the most important person, myself. I was in Atlanta and knew that men turned me on but was in total denial that I was gay. Too much family, friends, and people from work around. I was partly afraid someone would figure it our, and partly afraid that I was wrong. But, I arrived in Fort Lauderdale not knowing a soul. So, the opportunity to see if I was gay and come out to me was real. Nobody would know, and if I wasn't then my future was a life alone. I didn't know what it meant to be gay. I guess in many ways I still don't. I just know who I am.
So, Fort Lauderdale was a sandbox for Brian. Maybe for the first time to try and bring Brian together into one honest person. Being honest with Brian. I enjoyed the first year or two of being in Fort Lauderdale and as far as family, friends and work the only one that knew was Brian. I remember going to my first bar, and realizing I wasn't alone or unique.
Fort Lauderdale in the early 90's wasn't as prominently gay as it is today. Or, I just don't remember it being any other way. There were gay bars, and people having fun but I don't remember feeling there was a true community of gay people. Maybe it was my ignorance, or not looking. This was also when HIV and Aids was a death sentence and so this must of had an effect as well.
Fort Lauderdale now is a mecca for tourist, gay men from all over the world. At the same time, there is an undercurrent of men who live there year around who have and are creating their own community. So, as I watch and contemplate where I might live. What is the future for Brian in the next 10 years. I wonder about trying to become a part of another gay community as I have in Provincetown.
Not sure what this all means... but just another chapter of thinking and pondering the future.
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