ABSILVER's World

Ever have a thread on a sweater ? Or a seam on a pair of pants with a thread hanging? Or a book awkward on. Shelf ? You know if you pull on them, the shelf will fall, the pants will be ruined,or the sweater will fall apart.   No matter how I try not to, I am going to pull to see what happens. More to the point, I will follow my instincts even if I know I am going to get hurt.   If, I think it it is necessary.  Whether it is to protect me, someone I love or this need to discover the truth and to be true to myself. I sit here hurting, and once again single.  I pulled the thread of truth and found heartbreak at the end. Maybe I am too rigid ?  But at the core of my appearing to be rigid is my strength.  I have written about the price of being in control of me.  I sit here sad but not willing to give that up. I could be more spontaneous ? But that doesn't translate to jumping on roller coasters or risking my career or stability. The t...

Apparently I am my car... For those of you that didn't know, I actually got a new car in July.  Oddly, I think in 3 months I have driven it a little over 650 miles, but that is primarily because of travel and Provincetown.   I owned a 2010 Mercury Milan, and liked it.  Was about to come off of warranty so traded for a 2012 Ford Fusion.  Realizing that they had a new model coming out so I could negotiate a fair deal. What does this have to do with me? some people end up looking like their pets apparently I end up acting like my car.  I have owned Buicks, Nissans, Volvos, and even and SUV.  Frankly, I don't think most of them would have made it on the cover of MotorTrend, but I liked most of them...  So here I am in a 2012 mid-size sedan.  It is very similar to the Milan, of course, but a little bit upgraded.  V6 engine, leather seats, and the queerest (I must say) ambient lighting I have seen.  ...

I have had what must be one of the most amazing four weeks I have had in quite a while.  I feel like I have been reconnected with the core of my being that was always there but I needed to peak inside.  I mentioned in a recent blog about the need of control.  Not of the world around me but the cost of actually making sure I feel in control of me and my destiny. One can only say in the last few years, I have made some changes in my life.  If you looked at my life ten years ago, it would look similar maybe on paper as they say.  Well maybe, I was part of my own family.  I lived in New Jersey in a great home and was able to spend winters in Fort Lauderdale, with Harry and Daisy.  My job was more high profile, I think I was leading WebSphere sales for general business worldwide and trying to make a difference in a business environment in a large company, IBM.   Life was more about phone calls, and getting on planes and driving new action and a...

Today is My Dad's birthday .... I feel like sharing some random thoughts about himand I.  1. Going to six flags (or and Rock City) and he carried me everywhere and didn't go on any rides cause I wouldn't go. Think I was three or four.  2. His gentle love and admiration for my Mom's mother.  3. He continues to show the love and respect for my mother.  4. If all gay children had him for a father... they would not be ashamed of who they are. They would realize their father (and Mother's) love is unconditional. Think of the end of bullying and suicides just cause they are queer.  5. He put up with AEPi family weekends even though all the jokes against TEP.  6. Surviving teaching me to drive.  7. Teaching me to drive a manual shift car in a weekend and living to tell about it.  8. His gentleness with his parents and especially my grandfather later in life . 9. Showing his children that a man willing to show his love and care for others is a...

Truthfully the focus of my mind is the cost of independence. There is a point in my days lately where I see that wanting independence and more honestly control of ones destiny comes at a cost. I always think of that truly inner self for me as being a fortress. Walls of thick cement. Keeping in control my inner strength, nurturing my desires, my inner wishes. I also think of it as having a lookout post where there I can observe everything around me and provide inner commentary as needed. My mental sentry is watching me. I hate to admit it but it also contains some parts of me that I hide from the world. For a long time I hid that I was gay. Not just from the world but from myself as well. Sometimes I have thoughts that if anyone heard would probably send me to a deserted island. Usually they are just an odd observation, or just a bitchy thought that is unwarranted. Sometimes it is just an oddity of the moment. The point is that in many ways this fortress is shrinking. I don't have...

What do I do?  Glen says the last blog was written before... nothing new. Is it that my life has changed? or is it that for the first time in a while my life feels right.   I have to confess to loving my home in Fort Lauderdale.  Loving my friends in Fort Lauderdale.  Loving my work life, except for one small detail, it keeps me from Fort Lauderdale more than I want.  Now, I have to suffer (smiles) in Petaluma, CA and San Francisco most of the time.  But, still this is home and the more time I am here the more I realize it.  It is quite amazing that more than 14 years ago I moved into this building, and now I am here still.  Not in the same unit, but the same floor, and enjoying the potential and my life moving forward. So, I thought what might keep Glen Dyning reading my blog? How about things that frustrate me lately? 1) People who share their observations as facts. 2) Why I can't snap my fingers and swap between Provincetown and Fort...

I sit here wondering about the past weeks, and wondering about tomorrow.  These maybe end up being the best written of my blog.  I sit here typing and not really sure of where I am going, but i feel compelled to write nonetheless. This past week I went to Impact 2012.  IBM's SOA and WebSphere conference, as a sales and marketing leader for my iSOA Group, Inc. an IBM business partner.   I have been to Impact before as  IBM employee and a partner in my own business.  Two years ago I went, and I came to the realization that I wanted to go back.  I enjoyed doing the marketing planning workshops, but frankly I was getting to a place where they were rote for me.  It wasn't easy to do a workshop, or easy to come out with a really good plan, but there was something that I realized I had two paths in the woods.  Either the market planning was a new life or I had to do something else.  Else, was the pleasure of looking at th...