The focus of my mind is the cost of independence.

Truthfully the focus of my mind is the cost of independence. There is a point in my days lately where I see that wanting independence and more honestly control of ones destiny comes at a cost.

I always think of that truly inner self for me as being a fortress. Walls of thick cement. Keeping in control my inner strength, nurturing my desires, my inner wishes. I also think of it as having a lookout post where there I can observe everything around me and provide inner commentary as needed. My mental sentry is watching me. I hate to admit it but it also contains some parts of me that I hide from the world. For a long time I hid that I was gay. Not just from the world but from myself as well. Sometimes I have thoughts that if anyone heard would probably send me to a deserted island. Usually they are just an odd observation, or just a bitchy thought that is unwarranted. Sometimes it is just an oddity of the moment.

The point is that in many ways this fortress is shrinking. I don't have to hide being gay. Not sure of much that I keep totally hidden. I am grateful at this stage of life that I don't think there is much of anything hiding from me. I sometimes think my inner desire for the next half of my life is in there and waiting to be discovered.

So many people have a spouse or live in a house with others and that requires a level of balance and more like a seesaw some days you will be up and the other person or people will control or influence your next move. Having the love of family, and or roommates gives one the feeling of shared care of each other. If by the luck of the gods there is love in the home then happiness is elevated and in good days the sea saw maybe is teetering parallel to the ground.

In a sense being in a relationship, for me, is about giving up control and sharing yourself and your desires, destination, dreams, strengths and weakness with someone else. I am not talking about control of what color to paint the walls or decorate the ceiling. In my mind, it is about that inner core of your soul and how you identify yourself. That instance when i wake up in the morning how I feel and see myself. Being in love is about taking a chance and letting someone in that fortress and go looking around. If the love is really deep they help me find out things about me that I am not aware of or are hidden from my conscious being.

I have let a few people in. Sometimes I do it from a desire to share. Sometimes it is a feeling and desire to open up that small place inside me. Or, it is a moment or moments in my life where that inner need to control that fortress ebbs for a moment.

I think it happens also when I feel loved and frankly safe. If I don't match up to the moment then I don't have to worry that tomorrow I maybe alone or scared away people I care about.

You know it just dawns on me that it doesn't have to do with me. I am the sentry any way. It really has more to do with my heart and feeling of safety and contentment. That if I go dancing in the street in key west and make a fool of myself that I will wake up in the morning with warmth and comfort in my life.

The control part for me is in that fortress. I think it is a small part of me but it can dominate me for good and bad. It stops me from drinking too much. It keeps me off roller coasters. It allows me to fly any where and not get worried. It packs away some confidence that will surprise me. It also keeps me away from standing up and singing karaoke. I think it is cause I can't sing but it contrasts greatly with my inner ham.

Truth be told, I don't give up that control easily. It has cost me at times when my sentry is on holiday or I find myself in a situation that is not good for me or frankly doesn't make me happy. Best example of late is going on a date that your heart tells you is a bad idea but I went any way.

I am also lucky when out of the blue good friends find a hidden door into my fortress. Maybe that rare occasion like yesterday when maybe my sentry takes time off. They sneak in and next thing I know I an dancing in the street and just exhaling.

I feel a great sense of comfort and I think the fortress is fine for now. This blog is sort of my way of Spring cleaning.


Location: Big Pine Key, Big Pine Key

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