Happiness comes in on tiptoe
Lately, I have been thinking of what it means to be happy. I at times in my life have looked for an audience, family, friends, co-workers to all stand up and applaud. Thinking that their acceptance and acknowledgement would make me happy by acknowledging my happiness.
I also have always had this inner self that watched others, and observed them to see if I wanted to switch lives with anyone. Not to be jealous, but to see if there were qualities or things in their lives that I wanted to emulate and would help mine. Truthfully, I have met one person in my life that I would want to switch with.. and only for a day and that is my ex, Harry. His mind works in such contrast to mine. Feelings and Creativity rule his thought process, and mine has grown up in this school and corporate mode to analyze and deliver that living in his mind I wonder if I could find hidden strength.
I have learned thanks to him to just have confidence at times that things will be OK. I used to stress out over deadlines at work. Or worry about things many days ahead, but I don't as much. I have never missed a deadline at work. And, when I don't seem to know how to get something done or the right approach instead of worrying and analyzing, I will go for a walk. Trust myself that the answer will arrive and I will be fine. Most amazing, this is totally opposite of my normal approach. I normally analyze everything and make a judgement and act. But, when I trust my feelings and let them drive at times I do arrive very often at the right decision and I owe that to my ex.
We were talking recently, and I said I would love to live in his mind for one day. I feel like if I understood how he thinks and could take it with me this would just improve more. When I trust my creative feeling side more.. I can act quicker and many times with more confidence. What a luxury it would be to be able to leverage my feeling side as often as my analytical mind. He quickly (emphasis on quick!) said he wouldn't want to live a day in my mind because he thinks I am too compartmentalized.
I used to be compartmentalized. When I met my ex. I was an IBM employee, a good Jewish son, and a gay man. Each of these "compartments" were independent of each other to a great deal. I knew how to be successful at work and fun, but never ever mention that I was gay. I grew up in Savannah and as a teenager in public school where being Jewish was far from the norm, so people knew I was Jewish but didn't integrate that with "work". And then, many many years later, after admitting I was gay I kept that separate from work and family. In the early gay days, which for me were my late 20's, I enjoyed having this secret life. I enjoyed that I was learning and enjoying a part of me that these other two worlds didn't know, or I thought they didn't.
But, coming to the New York area for IBM, helped change that. And my ex, Harry did as well.
I came up to the New York area to work for what was then the IBM Internet Division. Headed up by Irving Wladawsky-Berger, and reporting up to Gary Cohen who was VP of marketing. Irving is a Jewish Cuban immigrant. I remember to this day, the first Jewish holiday, and calling Gary's assistant to let her know I would be out for the holiday. She just smiled and told me Irving, Gary and herself would be out as well and the meeting in question would definitely be rescheduled. I was out at work. Jewish and proud!
Contrast this to my first job with IBM out of college in Jacksonville, Florida. I asked for time off for the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashannah). I still remember the manager making a big deal about those two days. Then every time I needed something or asked he would remind me that he had given me these two extra days off. I never asked for them off again. I always took them as either vacation or optional holidays. I never wanted that feeling of being indebted to a manager for being Jewish.
Turn the calendar up about 15 years.. and now I am in a division of IBM headed up by a Jewish immigrant and not having to explain Rosh Hashannah or any Jewish holiday.
So, IBM and the Jewish Good son could live in peace together, I actually brought my mother up and she attended a holiday party with me and was the life of the party as always.
Coming out at work, as a gay male, took a little longer. I was part of an Executive Briefing Center working for a fabulous lady. She wanted to open a satellite location on the west coast in Silicon Valley. So, I helped lead an effort to open one in Santa Teresa California. Harry came out with me occasionally. Was great fun and the first time I felt like a part of a real family of my own. Harry would drop me off at work, and then go ride around San Francisco where he had an Aunt staying. Or down to the coast, and would come by at 5:30 and pick me up and show me his favorite thing of the day. What I remember was feeling for the first time that I had a schedule and a reason to end work. I never told anyone who "he" was in my life and as usual kept the gay life separate at work. But, slowly I realized this didn't work. I came out to my boss, and then as I realized again in New York no one cared. I came out to everyone. I decided if someone cared it was their problem, and that I honestly think it made me a better employee.
By the time Harry and I broke up, I felt and still do that these compartments have been broken and Brian is just one person. But, in Harry's perspective, dealing with an analytical side and a feeling side all the time is probably what he sees as compartments. So, I have to give in.. and remind myself that my happiness is inside of me.
This all started with thoughts of happiness, and looking for an audience of approval, and applause as a young man. But, I think it is a Quiet thing as the Liza Minelli song says. Your own happiness comes in on tiptoes and lets you enjoy your own life. It isn't about others tooting a horn or cheers from the crowd in a parade. It is really more about what is inside which is a Quiet moment of being content, enjoying your own life, and your own mind compartments and all.
Music: John Kander
Lyrics: Fred Ebb
Book: George Abbott + Robert Russell
Premiere: Tuesday, May 11, 1965
When it all come true
Just the way you planned
It's funny but the bells don't ringIt's a quiet thing
When you hold the worldIn your trembling hand
You think you'd hear a choir singing
But it's a quiet thing
There are no exploding fire worksWhere's the roaring of the crowd
Maybe it's the strange new atmosphere
Way up here among the clouds
Happiness comes in on tiptoe
Well, what do you know
It's a quiet thingA very quiet thing...
I also have always had this inner self that watched others, and observed them to see if I wanted to switch lives with anyone. Not to be jealous, but to see if there were qualities or things in their lives that I wanted to emulate and would help mine. Truthfully, I have met one person in my life that I would want to switch with.. and only for a day and that is my ex, Harry. His mind works in such contrast to mine. Feelings and Creativity rule his thought process, and mine has grown up in this school and corporate mode to analyze and deliver that living in his mind I wonder if I could find hidden strength.
I have learned thanks to him to just have confidence at times that things will be OK. I used to stress out over deadlines at work. Or worry about things many days ahead, but I don't as much. I have never missed a deadline at work. And, when I don't seem to know how to get something done or the right approach instead of worrying and analyzing, I will go for a walk. Trust myself that the answer will arrive and I will be fine. Most amazing, this is totally opposite of my normal approach. I normally analyze everything and make a judgement and act. But, when I trust my feelings and let them drive at times I do arrive very often at the right decision and I owe that to my ex.
We were talking recently, and I said I would love to live in his mind for one day. I feel like if I understood how he thinks and could take it with me this would just improve more. When I trust my creative feeling side more.. I can act quicker and many times with more confidence. What a luxury it would be to be able to leverage my feeling side as often as my analytical mind. He quickly (emphasis on quick!) said he wouldn't want to live a day in my mind because he thinks I am too compartmentalized.
I used to be compartmentalized. When I met my ex. I was an IBM employee, a good Jewish son, and a gay man. Each of these "compartments" were independent of each other to a great deal. I knew how to be successful at work and fun, but never ever mention that I was gay. I grew up in Savannah and as a teenager in public school where being Jewish was far from the norm, so people knew I was Jewish but didn't integrate that with "work". And then, many many years later, after admitting I was gay I kept that separate from work and family. In the early gay days, which for me were my late 20's, I enjoyed having this secret life. I enjoyed that I was learning and enjoying a part of me that these other two worlds didn't know, or I thought they didn't.
But, coming to the New York area for IBM, helped change that. And my ex, Harry did as well.
I came up to the New York area to work for what was then the IBM Internet Division. Headed up by Irving Wladawsky-Berger, and reporting up to Gary Cohen who was VP of marketing. Irving is a Jewish Cuban immigrant. I remember to this day, the first Jewish holiday, and calling Gary's assistant to let her know I would be out for the holiday. She just smiled and told me Irving, Gary and herself would be out as well and the meeting in question would definitely be rescheduled. I was out at work. Jewish and proud!
Contrast this to my first job with IBM out of college in Jacksonville, Florida. I asked for time off for the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashannah). I still remember the manager making a big deal about those two days. Then every time I needed something or asked he would remind me that he had given me these two extra days off. I never asked for them off again. I always took them as either vacation or optional holidays. I never wanted that feeling of being indebted to a manager for being Jewish.
Turn the calendar up about 15 years.. and now I am in a division of IBM headed up by a Jewish immigrant and not having to explain Rosh Hashannah or any Jewish holiday.
So, IBM and the Jewish Good son could live in peace together, I actually brought my mother up and she attended a holiday party with me and was the life of the party as always.
Coming out at work, as a gay male, took a little longer. I was part of an Executive Briefing Center working for a fabulous lady. She wanted to open a satellite location on the west coast in Silicon Valley. So, I helped lead an effort to open one in Santa Teresa California. Harry came out with me occasionally. Was great fun and the first time I felt like a part of a real family of my own. Harry would drop me off at work, and then go ride around San Francisco where he had an Aunt staying. Or down to the coast, and would come by at 5:30 and pick me up and show me his favorite thing of the day. What I remember was feeling for the first time that I had a schedule and a reason to end work. I never told anyone who "he" was in my life and as usual kept the gay life separate at work. But, slowly I realized this didn't work. I came out to my boss, and then as I realized again in New York no one cared. I came out to everyone. I decided if someone cared it was their problem, and that I honestly think it made me a better employee.
By the time Harry and I broke up, I felt and still do that these compartments have been broken and Brian is just one person. But, in Harry's perspective, dealing with an analytical side and a feeling side all the time is probably what he sees as compartments. So, I have to give in.. and remind myself that my happiness is inside of me.
This all started with thoughts of happiness, and looking for an audience of approval, and applause as a young man. But, I think it is a Quiet thing as the Liza Minelli song says. Your own happiness comes in on tiptoes and lets you enjoy your own life. It isn't about others tooting a horn or cheers from the crowd in a parade. It is really more about what is inside which is a Quiet moment of being content, enjoying your own life, and your own mind compartments and all.
Music: John Kander
Lyrics: Fred Ebb
Book: George Abbott + Robert Russell
Premiere: Tuesday, May 11, 1965
When it all come true
Just the way you planned
It's funny but the bells don't ringIt's a quiet thing
When you hold the worldIn your trembling hand
You think you'd hear a choir singing
But it's a quiet thing
There are no exploding fire worksWhere's the roaring of the crowd
Maybe it's the strange new atmosphere
Way up here among the clouds
Happiness comes in on tiptoe
Well, what do you know
It's a quiet thingA very quiet thing...
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