It is Sunday, after my birthday, taking a look back!
I sit here the Sunday after my birthday.
Friday morning, I went for a long walk. As I looked back on year 57, there were some highlights. I started a new job with TekMonks and learned that the people are even better than the products and services. TekMonks products and services are unique, and there is great potential to lead in a cloud-centered technology world, and I look forward to year 58 being a great success.
I also have learned to appreciate and enjoy Longview, Texas and the more leisurely pace. Longview also has a few new restaurants and a wine bar downtown. We are more of the walk around downtown than head to the loop kind of folks. Judd's Downtown was good when it opened during the pandemic, but they seem to have improved the taste of their food and service this year. We enjoy sitting at the bar and talking to Ronald, the chef, and local folks while having dinner. There is also a wine bar, The Greenside Beverage Company, which is fun and brings more younger people downtown. We have a comfortable home and family nearby, and being able to work and relax here.
That said, year 57 certainly did not end as anticipated, starting in July with Mom in physical rehab and me staying at the house with Dad. I am lucky that I had time to spend with Dad at home talking to him, finding new lunches and different foods could be a challenge, along with work.
He wanted time in the morning to himself. We built up a routine. I would go for an early walk in the morning in Savannah. Along the way, I would find coffee and breakfast. I tended to get back to the house about the time he started his breakfast.
We had some very entertaining conversations about different years in his life. One of my favorites was his discussion about sneaking Grandpa's car out to drive with friends to Charleston. He was convinced he successfully took the car late at night and returned it early the next morning without Grandpa knowing. I have a feeling Grandpa was well aware.
The other interesting story he told was about when he and my Uncle Harry decided to open their law practice, Silverman and Silverman, in Savannah. They had been working for or with their Uncle Ben and chose to go out on their own. My Uncle Ben was unhappy about it as he was concerned potential clients would be confused with two "Silverman" law firms in town.
Again, when year 57 started, I could not have imagined how it ended. First, I was in Savannah from July till November a fair amount. The decision was made while Mom and Dad were in the hospital and rehab that they should move into Buckingham South. What started in July with my sister and me on tour to make it easier to plan for Mom and Dad’s future. It quickly became an urgent requirement in October to prepare for their move before Mom got out of rehab. Thankfully the staff at Buckingham made this easier than I expected. We had already registered them, and thankfully there were apartments available, and Mom moved in mid-October. It is a lovely 2 Bedroom (We thought Dad would need a room for his office.) and is sunny and bright. The move went fairly smoothly, and Mom moved in and is quite content. They do a good job of giving her care, as she needs it, and even though Mom complains about the food, she tends to eat lunch and dinner in the dining room with other residents.
Dad also ended up in the hospital and rehab around the same time as Mom. What started with a severe infection in his leg grew to include pneumonia, and he passed away in the hospital on November 4th. ( Ramon Silverman Obituary).
There were a few moments during those weeks in the hospital that will stay in my mind and heart for a long time.
My cousin Davida, her husband Alan, and their son Harry went to see Dad. At that point, he was sleeping a lot and not always clear-headed except for hating the hospital food. But, during their visit, he had a great conversation with them. He later shared with me how enjoyable the conversation was and how great they all looked.
The next was the Sunday before he passed away. It was early morning, my niece Donna was headed back home to work a 24-hour shift at the hospital in Gainesville, and she was standing behind me, and Frank was sitting in a chair nearby. I remember feeling her presence behind me and looking at Frank as we all realized Dad's time in this world was coming to an end. I knew, in my mind, but in these moments, my heart caught up. Through the weeks, I tried as hard as I could to remind myself that this was her grandfather and not a patient for Donna, but as a doctor, she knew as well.
Dad's doctor John Barrett visited Dad in the hospital. I was not there for his first visit, but I saw him walking out of the hospital and could see the emotion on his face that confirmed what I already knew. He came back to visit him, and in a world of modern medicine, to have such a caring doctor who liked and cared about my Dad was comforting for us all.
Then the last moment in the hospital was my brother Walter arriving from Israel. Seeing him with Dad was one of my life’s most heartwarming and sad moments. He walked over to talk to Dad. Dad perked up and asked Walter how he was and how his wife Tammy was doing, and they had a great conversation. There was no doubt that Dad was waiting to see Walter because I don't remember him speaking again after that.
My brother was with him when he passed, but that morning I was with Dad for quite a while watching him breathe, and it seemed more labored. His doctor from the hospital came in and mentioned how labored his breath was and that he needed some morphine to relax him. Once the nurse came in to give him the morphine, it was not long after that he passed away. It seems the morphine helped him to relax enough to let go. Walter let me know, and I called Marcia to tell her and then drove over to tell my Mom to make sure she heard from one of us.
Working in a corporate career and training at IBM comes in handy. There are tasks to be done and people to see; the key is focusing. Emotions and sadness are there, but actions and activities need attention. I quickly moved to those activities, including ensuring my Mom’s care.
Jewish funerals are as close to the next day as possible, and since he passed away on a Friday, the funeral was Sunday morning. Because it was erev Shabbos (the afternoon before the sabbath), all plans for the funeral had to be in place before sundown. The prior Sunday, I had drafted an obituary as I didn't want to be rushed to pay tribute to my Dad. Mom helped me edit it that Friday, and we submitted it to the funeral home and newspaper. Then I needed to make sure the time of the funeral was correct, there would be a limo to help my Mom get there, and honestly that the funeral was paid for so there would be no issues on Sunday. Making sure we knew where we would sit Shiva and again ensuring Mom was cared for through the process were top priorities.
The funeral was short, which was my preference. Rabbi Slatus was sick with the Flu but led the service. His words about my Dad were comforting, as were the words my brother shared in tribute to my Dad. One of those moments that stick in my memory is how loving my niece Donna and her husband, Ben, were in making sure Mom safely got in and out of the limos and kept an eye on her. With her support of me at the house and Mom, I was able to have the strength I needed to get through these trying moments. It was also comforting to have Amanda help coordinate the Shiva, meals, and the care of her mom and family.
There are more people to thank, and I may forget a few, so apologies. I want to thank Davida, my cousin, for her texts and support, including reminders and a sense of humor. My cousins, Wendy and Beth, made it to Savannah and provided additional love and comfort for Mom, me, and the family. My cousins, Carol and Josef, always seem to be in the right place at the right time to support me and honestly get me out for a meal or even a drink to lower stressful times in my life. A special thank you to my niece Aviva, who made it for the day from Monsey, NY, to pay respects to her grandfather. Frank's family, friends such inlcuding Linda and Brian Sanders, along with my long-time chosen family such as Harry and Mark, continue to support me and provide words of encouragement that mean a great deal.
I would also like to thank my brother and sister, as we came together for one of the most challenging moments for a child: to plan and coordinate a funeral for a parent. We naturally knew what our roles were and were able to collaborate with love for each other and respect for my Dad and my Mom. Walter did a great job coordinating with the Shul. Marcia was great at helping to coordinate, communicating with family, and caring for mom, and her daughter Amanda showed great strength at helping coordinate Shiva meals and keeping track of thank you notes.
The last person, and most important person, I need to share my gratitude for is my partner Frank. His love and care for my parents over the more than eight years we have been together warmed my heart from the beginning. His love for Dad and care, including trimming his beard in the hospital with gentleness and kindness, was very touching. He consistently makes me a better person in trying times such as these, as I try to be as kind and loving as he is.
I saved one of the kindest and most loving moments at the hospital with Dad to discuss Frank and his love and kindness. My last conversation with Dad was to remind him how much we loved him. He, with great clarity, looked at us both and told us how much he loved the two of us. He made sure that Frank heard him and that he loved and appreciated Frank.
Frank is also very good at dealing with me. I remember turning around at the funeral to see him standing there with his love for my family and me in his eyes and realizing how lucky I truly am.
It may come as a surprise, but I am not always the easiest to get along with, and his being there and putting up with my moods, occasional tantrum, and not running back to Longview is genuinely remarkable. Again, I was trained and was alone for many years to focus and get things done, but emotions can be distracting. He ensured and still does that I do not lose sight of tasks that need to be completed.
As we continue to mourn my father's loss, I am reminded that we all grieve differently. It is, for me, early morning, saying kaddish, or walking with my favorite therapist DaisyBelle that I am reminded of my loss. I wrote a tribute to him on Father's Day that is from my heart, and I am a lucky man at 58 to have had such a caring and loving father.
Year 57, and its end, was not the easiest year of my life. I am grateful as I start year 58 with an understanding of how blessed I am to have Frank, family, and my family of friends to love and support me.
As we head to the end of the year and the holiday season, I wish all of you happy holidays and look forward to 2023.
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