I sit here on a Saturday.


Chores accomplished including picking up the dry cleaning so I can pack tomorrow for a journey west for work.  Condo is clean, time to get it ready for my sister's visit next week. I am worried about Provincetown, friends and family.  As Lee says this house has lasted 200 years it will stand, but been more than 12 hours no electricity or heat and I worry more about people than things and buildings these days any way.  I worry and feel lucky, to be in Fort Lauderdale and enjoying what is another wonderful winter day here.

I also, sit here at what I believe is an inflection point, a turning point in my life.  I do this on occasion, reflect back on what I see as pivotal turns in my life that changed me or my life direction.   There are obvious ones like pledging AEPi, co-oping with IBM, coming out to the world, living in New York, and a variety of moves in my career and home.  There are also those that change me, cause I am just ready to change.

Today isn't one of those days... necessarily time will tell.  I seem to realize the changes after they have passed but I am trying to be more self aware of my life and changes. It is really more about learning to continue to be content with who I am.  That I am fine, and not to accept offers or feel obligated to do things because others do them.  I have had a tendency always to do the right thing for me in the end.  It may come down to the last moment of a decision, or I may decide quickly, but I try to come back and do what I believe is right.  Sometimes it is a matter of what is right, sometimes it is more about understanding what will keep me happy and more importantly these days content in my life.

As an example, was at a bar having a beer last night.  Someone said a prejudice word and comment.  I decided instantly to leave the bar.  I wish I had stood up and said something, and then left.  But, probably not wise at a bar, but I decided quickly this was not a place I wanted to be in or to imply by silence that I agreed with those comments.

I am also at a point, where what appears to be stubborn and inflexible, is really more about a clear since of who I am.  I have good friends that went on a cruise this past week with 3900 gay men.  I am not sure that I would like a cruise.  I am frankly a little more certain today that I probably wouldn't unless the destinations of that cruise were all places I wanted to go any way.  Then I could see the Cruise ship as a floating hotel and enjoy the journey.  The idea of being centered on a ship of any size, and have what appears to me to be a schedule of what people should be doing is just not a successful idea for a vacation for me.

More importantly, it is only going to frustrate friends and family that I don't want to do all the things that the boat has to offer.  I joked with a friend today if I try a cruise I will pick it based on the quality of airport at the port of calls so that if I decide I don't like it I can fly home easily.  (I don't think that is a good sign for me making a near term choice to go on a cruise. (smiles))

I am not knocking going on cruises.  Frankly, I am not knocking going on gay cruises.  I can understand especially for those men and women that may not live in a gay friendly town or environment that the idea of being on a boat, safe, and among other gay men and or women could be the ideal holiday.

I am just saying I don't think it would be right for me.  which is really the point of this.  I want to continue to be content, in my own right mind, and enjoy my day every day of my life.  The idea of putting myself in a situation, especially on holiday, that I don't think I would enjoy doesn't seem wise or desirable.

There are so many places I would like to see, or return to.  Like, a week in Paris maybe or a return to Barcelona, never been to Australia or Alaska.  Many of these are accessible, and frankly some by cruise.  So, I think about a potential destination for Brian and maybe a Mediterranean cruise could be a choice of the floating hotel that I would enjoy.

The key is, at 48, I don't feel the need to concede to do things that I wouldn't enjoy.  People should and my friends should continue to do these things, and accept the fact that many times I will be home or on my own adventure.  We can compare notes upon the end and I bet we all will have had the better time.

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Unknown said…
I love you Brian. Pam
February 9, 2013 at 5:42 PM
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