I keep on walking, and thinking !


I sit here at an intersection of my mind.

Mental

Lifestyle

Ambition

Friends and Family

Mentally: I like to live and work in a world of challenges.  I like to be forced to think, create and act.  It is both a curse and a gift. 

I once had a boyfriend ask me if I could think about nothing for an hour.  So, I did.  I thought about what was nothing. Why I couldn't think about nothing? Analyzed why nothing was bothering me and then realized I had wast an hour thinking about nothing.   I find it hard to meditate and just don't know how to stop my mind.  Amazingly and gratefully I don't have a challenge sleeping nor do I remember many dreams.

I happened this week to be in the presence of two people who can cause my mind to get turbo charged and frankly was fun. 

One was a previous boss,spending an hour together made me remember how special she is and our connection.  If I have achieved anything in my career it is being a catalyst for change, and some great friendships.   She happens to be one of the smartest and creative people I know and was great fun to be around.

The other who is my ex, Harry, not the one who suggested i think about nothing. (smiles)  But, who can in just a few words let me know he understands where I am in my head and also cause me to start to think deeper, looking at all the possibilities and wonderment, and throwing me curves to keep me on my toes.

Lifestyle

I have a great life.  I live in two lovely places.  Not only are they too pretty for pictures, but, they are fun.  They are open and easy to be gay and happy.  I was reminded in Orlando this week that not all cities are so hospitable.  Walking down the street in Lauderdale or Provincetown holding hands would not think twice.  But being in Orlando, I realized briefly I needed to be more cautious.

I work for a great company, and with great people I call friends, and enjoy my job.  I have accomplished a fair amount and also have more free time than I had at IBM.  I am not sure, sometimes, what to do with the time and frankly the moments of mental energy like the above can be like a drug for me. (this morning walking I contemplated picking up tennis again)

I need to balance my more relaxed life with the need for mental challenges. 
Maybe I need to go back to school or something?

I also have a strange desire, apparently and that is I want to be happy every day.   I love going on holiday.  But my goal in life is not to be waiting for a holiday, to assure key happiness, but to enjoy every day. 

How do I balance my lifestyle choices, mental desires, and keep the ongoing desire for happiness. 

Ambition

I would like to say my ambition and desire for recognized success has been satiated.   That is I have and had a great career.    I have filled up passports, been recognized as a leader, achieved a fair amount in sales and marketing.

That said there are times where the ambitious gene or desire in me kicks in.  
Some days I wonder if it is in my current career path or is it in some direction that I don't yet know. 

So wanting to be mentally challenged, enjoy a flexible lifestyle and add a dose of unfulfilled ambition.

Friends and family

I am very lucky as i have written many times.  I have a great family.  One that loves and appreciates me, and doesn't seem to change their feelings based on my sexuality.    I am lucky to have healthy parents and I keep trying to remember that I am lucky and show them the respect and adoration they deserve. 

I also have the luxury of great friends.  Probably more at this point of my life than I can remember.

So understanding where I am, and appreciate family and friends leads to a certain desire to maintain time in my life to be with and enjoy their company.

So I find myself at an intersection of my personal mind and life.  How do I balance these different avenues of my life while maintaining happiness.

How do I stay mentally challenged, a more free lifestyle, have time and pay attention to friends and family while still possessing a level of ambition?

I don't know the answer today.   Just happy to believe I have found the right life question for me.

I keep thinking of the same song by Mary Chapin Carpenter that keeps me wondering. 

http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-long-way-home-lyrics-mary-chapin-carpenter.html


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