There is a cost to being and independent soul, and the challenge is the price too high?
I drove around last night for a while, and thought about the choices of my life. Frankly, there is one consistent theme as an adult. My therapist, Linda, said it started at the age of 8 that I had a drive to be independent and protect myself. I realized as I drove around, and in discussions over the weekend there is a price for my kind of independence. Even though it is quite personal I thought it would make an interesting blog entry as we head to the new year.
When I was in college, after my first year, I lived alone. I had my own room at the Fraternity house always. Even when I moved back into the dorm in my senior year, I actually had a football player for a roommate and so he was only there in title.
When I left school, I lived alone in Jacksonville except for a pretty pathetic 30 days where I tried to live with two other friends and that just didn't work. My memory is the challenge was not with them, but with me. I missed having space to call my own beyond a bedroom.
The honest truth is, I lived alone most of my adult life except for Highland Park, New Jersey with Harry. I have written extensively about that. Gave up some independence to Harry and Daisy, but maybe not enough.
The heart of my personal lifestyle is a determination to be happy and a feeling to achieve that goal I need to maintain my independence. Which to me means I have full control over my life and make my own choices. I am quite lucky. I can't remember too many moments where I have not been able to turn negative moments into positive ones. And, I don't remember being unhappy for very long. There were challenges growing up. There were challenges, especially living in Jacksonville, but I don't ever remember not being optimistic about myself and happy with my life.
I enjoy the company of others. I would make a terrible hermit. But, when it all comes down to it, my life and my solitude at home is connected to two similar facets of my personality.
One, I like my own company and two I wouldn't give up my independence at any cost.
It maybe at the heart of why I have not been in any other long term relationships, but in the end I like driving my own ship of life. The idea of giving up some of that independence or control just makes me squirm in most any situations.
It does comes at a cost. I have great friends. I truly do, and they span my personal life and work. I have great gay, straight, male and female friends and many I know I can depend on if need be. But, there is not a constant companion or someone in that rare moment where I am lonely to always turn to. IF I am sick, and need chicken soup I mostly have to boil the chicken myself.
When I think of remodeling the condo, hopefully closing next month, the choices of what to do are mine and I really will have nobody else to help me... although there will be plenty of opinions.
I am not complaining, and am definitely looking forward to the challenge but still there is not a person to depend on to help make those choices.
There are others who this choice of independence would not suit them. They don't always seem to accept or understand my choices. I have a a good friend today who was speaking that he wants a roommate for those challenges when he is ill. I listened, and understood but in the end I will take the chances required to maintain my independence.
I also realize this may cost me a future relationship. How many men want to be with someone who is so independent in nature, and that I want the same in a partner? The tension in the air of our strengths and independent drive meeting almost in the middle, but what is the likelihood of that happening twice? and yes, we didn't make it for the long run.
At least so far the benefits to me outweigh the cost. I enjoy my company. I have the luxury of a good job, that frankly keeps my mind stimulated. I also believe my independence has allowed me to continue to grow and change as I have matured. But, I also realize that most people would choose less independence for more companionship. People, may choose to have less change to help maintain friendships. That there is comfort in the long run of happiness and they may see that requires less independence.
It is also a matter to realize that as I age this independence will have more challenges for me. People like to be needed, and they may see my independence as not being kind to them. It isn't that I don't appreciate people caring about me, and I about them. It is just after 46 years of this life I have grown to learn to trust myself. After living alone for so long, not only do I trust but I have to trust that I will make the right choices.
I also realize, there are no right answers for each person needs to follow their own path to happiness.
When I was in college, after my first year, I lived alone. I had my own room at the Fraternity house always. Even when I moved back into the dorm in my senior year, I actually had a football player for a roommate and so he was only there in title.
When I left school, I lived alone in Jacksonville except for a pretty pathetic 30 days where I tried to live with two other friends and that just didn't work. My memory is the challenge was not with them, but with me. I missed having space to call my own beyond a bedroom.
The honest truth is, I lived alone most of my adult life except for Highland Park, New Jersey with Harry. I have written extensively about that. Gave up some independence to Harry and Daisy, but maybe not enough.
The heart of my personal lifestyle is a determination to be happy and a feeling to achieve that goal I need to maintain my independence. Which to me means I have full control over my life and make my own choices. I am quite lucky. I can't remember too many moments where I have not been able to turn negative moments into positive ones. And, I don't remember being unhappy for very long. There were challenges growing up. There were challenges, especially living in Jacksonville, but I don't ever remember not being optimistic about myself and happy with my life.
I enjoy the company of others. I would make a terrible hermit. But, when it all comes down to it, my life and my solitude at home is connected to two similar facets of my personality.
One, I like my own company and two I wouldn't give up my independence at any cost.
It maybe at the heart of why I have not been in any other long term relationships, but in the end I like driving my own ship of life. The idea of giving up some of that independence or control just makes me squirm in most any situations.
It does comes at a cost. I have great friends. I truly do, and they span my personal life and work. I have great gay, straight, male and female friends and many I know I can depend on if need be. But, there is not a constant companion or someone in that rare moment where I am lonely to always turn to. IF I am sick, and need chicken soup I mostly have to boil the chicken myself.
When I think of remodeling the condo, hopefully closing next month, the choices of what to do are mine and I really will have nobody else to help me... although there will be plenty of opinions.
I am not complaining, and am definitely looking forward to the challenge but still there is not a person to depend on to help make those choices.
There are others who this choice of independence would not suit them. They don't always seem to accept or understand my choices. I have a a good friend today who was speaking that he wants a roommate for those challenges when he is ill. I listened, and understood but in the end I will take the chances required to maintain my independence.
I also realize this may cost me a future relationship. How many men want to be with someone who is so independent in nature, and that I want the same in a partner? The tension in the air of our strengths and independent drive meeting almost in the middle, but what is the likelihood of that happening twice? and yes, we didn't make it for the long run.
At least so far the benefits to me outweigh the cost. I enjoy my company. I have the luxury of a good job, that frankly keeps my mind stimulated. I also believe my independence has allowed me to continue to grow and change as I have matured. But, I also realize that most people would choose less independence for more companionship. People, may choose to have less change to help maintain friendships. That there is comfort in the long run of happiness and they may see that requires less independence.
It is also a matter to realize that as I age this independence will have more challenges for me. People like to be needed, and they may see my independence as not being kind to them. It isn't that I don't appreciate people caring about me, and I about them. It is just after 46 years of this life I have grown to learn to trust myself. After living alone for so long, not only do I trust but I have to trust that I will make the right choices.
I also realize, there are no right answers for each person needs to follow their own path to happiness.
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