What does it mean? to be popular... and at what cost.
I sit here in Provincetown watching it rain and after a very interesting week and weekend. As someone that has taken a leave from IBM, at least for now, I am being kept busy by the employer that I parted with. I am quite lucky, but that is not the reason I sat down to add to my blog.
With various events in my life recently, and in the past it has struck me that there is an odd cost to being popular. I listened to Barbra Streisand's interview on the Sunday Morning news and she mentioned that she is a homebody and explained that for her to go to dinner is involved because of her popularity and is like acting. People will be taking her picture, and always publish the least flattering of them, and the news will be there and she is happy and content at home. The New York Times had an article today ( http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/27/streisand-upends-the-social-order-briefly/?hpw ) about her one night at a night club in New York and mentioned how in a small room of fans and the elite she treated them all the same. Quite remarkable actually. But, this is not what I mean to write about either. Barbra Streisand has popularity and is well known because of who she is I have never been struck that her ambition was to be part of an in-crowd. Frankly, her success has caused her to be outside of the core in-crowd I would assume.
The popularity that I am struck with is the same as when I was a kid and there was a group of popular kids. I always assumed, as I was not one of them, that they were cool and happy. As I have written before, we were not a family of money. I was and do not have a set of parents who invested in us to be part of the popular group. Instead, they invested in our own self worth and to make sure there was inner strength. I remember watching the popular group in elementary school and never feeling that I was not worthy, but realized that on some level they had decided I was not or did not fit with their group. I remember spending many days alone in the park, and with Pixie our dog, and enjoying time with my grandparents. But, the times that I would spend with these other kids was frankly rare.
Interesting enough, and thanks to Facebook, I have seen these pictures of me in elementary school. The most striking of it all to me, is that I was a skinny kid till third grade. I have to wonder if being an outsider in a small class, and frankly maybe some identity that I would always be an outsider and realizing the early sexuality identity crisis, that this started a weight problem off and on my entire life. Of course, I do like to eat and grew up in a family of great cooks so this could be inevitable any way. But, it is striking to me to see these pictures of me and remembering those times as being good for the education I received but not a happy innocent time. Although, the kid in the pictures doesn't look sad to me either.
My point.. and eventually I will have one. Is that as I saw the cost to me in the picture of not being part of the popular group. I never realized there was a cost equal to or greater to being part of the in group. I never felt a need and still don't to this day to conform to what others expect of me to be liked. I never have felt compelled to have a certain brand of jeans, shoes, toys, or anything to validate my worth to me. I don't feel a need to have a certain amount of money in the bank to appreciate Brian. That is not to say I don't enjoy Calvin Klein sheets, but I do because I frankly like them not because of a label on them. I went to school and eventually to IBM to build my independence and to have choices in my life not to be part of a group.
To be popular, or more important to be in the popular group, means a level of conformity. The popular group does things together, chooses each other as friends. Heaven forbid you choose a friend that is not chosen by the rest. Do you become an outsider? or do you hide that new friendship in the hopes of staying as part of the in group. Sounds almost like having a secret love, identity, sexuality or something of that nature. Conformity is required of the popular group. Frankly the point it appears to me is validate each other, to share common thoughts and opinions, and that these are the things that makes them the "in group". Truthfully the advantages of not being in the group is you get to think independently, choose who you like, what you do, and build some inner strength. Looking back, at that kid, I am not sure any more who was the lucky group.
I have felt like part of the in crowd a few times in my life. First, I think was in the search class in middle and high school. Where the "gifted" kids were separated from the other students and what was the distinguishing factor was your intellect at least on paper. I always enjoyed those classes, and as the non-athlete was grateful to be shielded from the athletic crowd to put it mildly GYM!
The second time, was being in the AEPi fraternity. I was not really part of the core in-crowd but I always felt liked, even though I didn't have the money that most of the group. I always made sure that I was able to do the things that I wanted and always paid my own way or didn't do them. I also feel like co-oping with IBM and being on and off quarter to quarter helped immensely. I am not sure I could have conformed enough all year any way. The kid who enjoyed alone time and some creative independence has stuck around.
I enjoyed working at IBM in Jacksonville, at times, but I definitely was not part of the in-crowd. I was not married with children. I didn't play golf. I had not been sent to Jacksonville by IBM with a family and some level of wealth in tow, so I was really an employee working hard and frankly working hard to get out of Jacksonville.
That said, I found a way to be part of a unique crowd at IBM. In Atlanta, I learned how to break away from the average and grow quickly and be successful I found success, and I also found it on what I considered my own terms. I was not always part of a core group in IBM, but I always felt like my value was acknowledged. I also felt my independence and view of the world from an outside point of view created a foundation for me to grow and be able to change my career as I wanted to.
I have to confess to feeling like part on an in-crowd in Highland Park. Harry and I were entertainers of other men friends, IBM folks, and family and turned into many ways
the center for these groups intersecting. I also have written this was a first of me not feeling like I was leading separate lives at work, with family, and at home. Is this being popular or popularity? So, being in Highland Park as a family made me part of the in-crowd. Frankly, I didn't have to be part of any other crowd as long as the three of us were home. I think maybe that actually helps build popularity.
This leads me to today. I live in a great house in Ptown.. small condo but with great people, and a house that comes with a very unique porch with views, on the main street, and you can watch all the locals and tourists pass you by. As I sit here, looking out and realizing it has a unique energy behind it that is great. I also learned Friday night that being on the porch and frankly owning part of it is part of being the in-crowd again. I didn't know it when I bought it. I am not sure how I became part of it, and I am grateful most of the time. But, it comes at a cost.. and I won't conform to that in-crowd just to be on the porch. I have come too far at this age to let the idea of being "popular" define me. I love the people here, and I certainly appreciate all that this house and Provincetown have added to my life. But, I won't conform to a standard of popularity at this age.
I happen to enjoy my own company. I think this reaches back to that 8 year old at the Day School. I am glad I chose to enjoy myself, as compared to, being depressed over not always being in the popular group. Frankly, the cost of being in the in-crowd is more costly than that eight year old could have imagined. My cost of not being popular was to build a foundation of being happy with me and also thanks to parents that instilled pride in me as I am. So, I don't have to be part of the popular group to be happy. I don't have a list to conform to. I will be happy with me, and let that grow and hopefully will help me keep friends and family content with Brian over the long run.
With various events in my life recently, and in the past it has struck me that there is an odd cost to being popular. I listened to Barbra Streisand's interview on the Sunday Morning news and she mentioned that she is a homebody and explained that for her to go to dinner is involved because of her popularity and is like acting. People will be taking her picture, and always publish the least flattering of them, and the news will be there and she is happy and content at home. The New York Times had an article today ( http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/27/streisand-upends-the-social-order-briefly/?hpw ) about her one night at a night club in New York and mentioned how in a small room of fans and the elite she treated them all the same. Quite remarkable actually. But, this is not what I mean to write about either. Barbra Streisand has popularity and is well known because of who she is I have never been struck that her ambition was to be part of an in-crowd. Frankly, her success has caused her to be outside of the core in-crowd I would assume.
The popularity that I am struck with is the same as when I was a kid and there was a group of popular kids. I always assumed, as I was not one of them, that they were cool and happy. As I have written before, we were not a family of money. I was and do not have a set of parents who invested in us to be part of the popular group. Instead, they invested in our own self worth and to make sure there was inner strength. I remember watching the popular group in elementary school and never feeling that I was not worthy, but realized that on some level they had decided I was not or did not fit with their group. I remember spending many days alone in the park, and with Pixie our dog, and enjoying time with my grandparents. But, the times that I would spend with these other kids was frankly rare.
Interesting enough, and thanks to Facebook, I have seen these pictures of me in elementary school. The most striking of it all to me, is that I was a skinny kid till third grade. I have to wonder if being an outsider in a small class, and frankly maybe some identity that I would always be an outsider and realizing the early sexuality identity crisis, that this started a weight problem off and on my entire life. Of course, I do like to eat and grew up in a family of great cooks so this could be inevitable any way. But, it is striking to me to see these pictures of me and remembering those times as being good for the education I received but not a happy innocent time. Although, the kid in the pictures doesn't look sad to me either.
My point.. and eventually I will have one. Is that as I saw the cost to me in the picture of not being part of the popular group. I never realized there was a cost equal to or greater to being part of the in group. I never felt a need and still don't to this day to conform to what others expect of me to be liked. I never have felt compelled to have a certain brand of jeans, shoes, toys, or anything to validate my worth to me. I don't feel a need to have a certain amount of money in the bank to appreciate Brian. That is not to say I don't enjoy Calvin Klein sheets, but I do because I frankly like them not because of a label on them. I went to school and eventually to IBM to build my independence and to have choices in my life not to be part of a group.
To be popular, or more important to be in the popular group, means a level of conformity. The popular group does things together, chooses each other as friends. Heaven forbid you choose a friend that is not chosen by the rest. Do you become an outsider? or do you hide that new friendship in the hopes of staying as part of the in group. Sounds almost like having a secret love, identity, sexuality or something of that nature. Conformity is required of the popular group. Frankly the point it appears to me is validate each other, to share common thoughts and opinions, and that these are the things that makes them the "in group". Truthfully the advantages of not being in the group is you get to think independently, choose who you like, what you do, and build some inner strength. Looking back, at that kid, I am not sure any more who was the lucky group.
I have felt like part of the in crowd a few times in my life. First, I think was in the search class in middle and high school. Where the "gifted" kids were separated from the other students and what was the distinguishing factor was your intellect at least on paper. I always enjoyed those classes, and as the non-athlete was grateful to be shielded from the athletic crowd to put it mildly GYM!
The second time, was being in the AEPi fraternity. I was not really part of the core in-crowd but I always felt liked, even though I didn't have the money that most of the group. I always made sure that I was able to do the things that I wanted and always paid my own way or didn't do them. I also feel like co-oping with IBM and being on and off quarter to quarter helped immensely. I am not sure I could have conformed enough all year any way. The kid who enjoyed alone time and some creative independence has stuck around.
I enjoyed working at IBM in Jacksonville, at times, but I definitely was not part of the in-crowd. I was not married with children. I didn't play golf. I had not been sent to Jacksonville by IBM with a family and some level of wealth in tow, so I was really an employee working hard and frankly working hard to get out of Jacksonville.
That said, I found a way to be part of a unique crowd at IBM. In Atlanta, I learned how to break away from the average and grow quickly and be successful I found success, and I also found it on what I considered my own terms. I was not always part of a core group in IBM, but I always felt like my value was acknowledged. I also felt my independence and view of the world from an outside point of view created a foundation for me to grow and be able to change my career as I wanted to.
I have to confess to feeling like part on an in-crowd in Highland Park. Harry and I were entertainers of other men friends, IBM folks, and family and turned into many ways
the center for these groups intersecting. I also have written this was a first of me not feeling like I was leading separate lives at work, with family, and at home. Is this being popular or popularity? So, being in Highland Park as a family made me part of the in-crowd. Frankly, I didn't have to be part of any other crowd as long as the three of us were home. I think maybe that actually helps build popularity.
This leads me to today. I live in a great house in Ptown.. small condo but with great people, and a house that comes with a very unique porch with views, on the main street, and you can watch all the locals and tourists pass you by. As I sit here, looking out and realizing it has a unique energy behind it that is great. I also learned Friday night that being on the porch and frankly owning part of it is part of being the in-crowd again. I didn't know it when I bought it. I am not sure how I became part of it, and I am grateful most of the time. But, it comes at a cost.. and I won't conform to that in-crowd just to be on the porch. I have come too far at this age to let the idea of being "popular" define me. I love the people here, and I certainly appreciate all that this house and Provincetown have added to my life. But, I won't conform to a standard of popularity at this age.
I happen to enjoy my own company. I think this reaches back to that 8 year old at the Day School. I am glad I chose to enjoy myself, as compared to, being depressed over not always being in the popular group. Frankly, the cost of being in the in-crowd is more costly than that eight year old could have imagined. My cost of not being popular was to build a foundation of being happy with me and also thanks to parents that instilled pride in me as I am. So, I don't have to be part of the popular group to be happy. I don't have a list to conform to. I will be happy with me, and let that grow and hopefully will help me keep friends and family content with Brian over the long run.
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