Another First Father's Day

 

Another First Father’s Day.

58 years ago, around this date, I celebrated my first Father’s Day. I don’t remember that one as I was about seven months old. This one is my first Father’s Day since my Dad passed, and there is much to share about my Dad. June is sort of my Dad’s month. It starts with his and my Mom’s anniversary, which would have been their 64th anniversary. There is, of course, Father’s Day, and then his birthday was June 24th. So, June this year has many dates to remember my Dad. That said, I am diverted to memories from yesterday evening. I was going to Savannah to see my Mom, my sister, and my family and to “check” in. I was lucky to find a reasonably priced flight from Longview, Texas. The only airline to choose is American. To say that American Airlines didn’t show their best service yesterday is an understatement, especially in the last leg of my journey out of Charlotte, but that is not the point of this Father’s Day. After a few delays and odd gate changes, the flight out of Charlotte was a short hour at most. Sitting in front of me was this mother with a child who was as frustrated as the rest of us and wanted to cry and scream herself to sleep. You might ask what this has to do with Father’s Day, but it is important. Everyone tried to offer her help, there were a few sighs and comments in the crowd, but the mother knew time was on her side and to be patient until the child fell asleep. Many people on Facebook and other places wish everyone a happy Father’s Day, whether you are a parent of a child, raising a cat and dog, or even a goldfish swimming in a tank, but this is not right. There is something unique about being a parent of a child. There is no time off. It is full-time every day. Can you imagine wanting a holiday, dropping your child off at the kennel, and running away? Can you imagine the idea of giving the child some catnip to calm her down? Can you imagine a Father in the place of this mother on a flight, loving his child and caring for his child in what has to be one of many challenging moments, except this one was in public? As a gay male with a cat and a dog, I am not a father. I love them way more than maybe I should. But, there is something unique about being a father to a child. It is unique also in the gay world, as gay parents have to choose to be a parent. No offense to you, straight people, but as you hear, accidents may happen one evening where a condom breaks or other birth control may not have worked, but gay parents have to make the actual choice to be a parent of a child. Today is not my day because of pets. It is the day to celebrate humans parenting children. I recognize that my father had a choice, and I am the youngest of three. He raised us with key attributes, one of which was always to respect and honor my mother. He taught me to treat all people with kindness and respect. Just because of a job title or a nicer home did not mean others were superior to me. I can never think of one moment when I questioned his love for me or my siblings, even the day I wrecked his car less than a block from the house. I remember one day of frustration, asking my Dad how he raised three children so different from one another. He said we were not all that different, and his and my Mom’s priorities were to raise good adults, not on drugs or anything and respectable. I walked away more frustrated by that answer! What I realized after he passed, I was looking at this from the wrong perspective. It is not that he raised three children so different from one another. It is that he raised us and built unique relationships with each of us by his choice and his recognition of who we were as individuals. Thinking about this on a sunny morning in Savannah, his gift to me was that he continuously encouraged me to trust myself and my judgment. I may have written this story before but I will share it again. When I was in college at the University of Georgia, it was recognized for academics and quite recognized as a party school. I am z fraternity brother at AEPi, and we were quite known for our parties, such as Wild West weekend. I enjoyed those parties. However, I was a determined young man to get good grades, especially once I was co-oping at IBM, to focus on getting a good job and getting on with my adult life. It was May of my senior year at UGA. I was assured of graduating with honors which was important to me after a rocky start in my Freshman year. I had accepted an offer from IBM to be a sales rep in Jacksonville, and yes, so important, I passed my drug test.

I had never smoked marijuana. (I still haven’t!) It was around the school, around the fraternity, but I didn’t want to be distracted and was concerned I might lose focus. One of the last nights at AEPi of the year was senior night. Brothers tell stories and laugh at one another. One of my pledge brothers pulled me aside and said this was the time I should smoke a joint. Why not? He was right. On the surface, I had nothing to lose at that moment. So, what did I do with this great offer? I called my Dad. I am sure you all would do the same thing. I asked him what I should do, and he contemplated this offer as a father and an attorney. He said he knew his place was to tell me not to do it, but at my age, he probably would try it, but this was my choice. I always thought this was quite smart. Who at 22 would smoke a joint because his father telling him what to do? Instead, my father once again put this decision on my shoulders, trusting I would make the right decision. For the record, I chose not to smoke the joint and ran off to the beach in Jacksonville with my brother before finals. This may be a roundabout blog post, and much too long, to just say on this first Father’s Day without my Dad, I miss him. As I look back over 58 years, I realize he was much more nuanced and careful in how he parented each of his children. He may have seen us mature to similar values, but he always recognized our uniqueness and unique needs from him. In my opinion, we should not dilute Father’s Day’s meaning by mentioning parenting pets. Nothing is more unique in our existence than humans who choose to parent and raise a child. Finally, I would do nothing to dilute the love and respect for my Dad or my respect and admiration for all of you fathers who have parented a child.