Spoiler Alert: This blog is about the movie, Call Me by Your Name

Spoiler Alert: This blog is about the movie, Call Me by Your Name

This is a very interesting movie on many levels.  The scenery is divine I don't know exactly where they are but the scenery, the town and just the peace of it all seem quite magical.  Makes you want to dream of sneaking away to Italy and escape the hustle and bustle of everyday life.

The movie is set in the early 80's.  A time when it was still unusual or hard for some to come "out" in most of the world including the USA.  Where common, even in big cities, was to live one life at work or with family and then escape to reality on the weekends.  Or maybe, sad to say as someone who came out in the 80's, the escape was being gay and true to yourself on weekends outside of the office and away from family.

I wonder how the world sees the movie as Frank and I saw it differently.  See, Frank enjoyed the scenery and the younger man, Elio, but felt Oliver, the older American was not as believable because he was supposed to be 23 and was obvious that he was older.   If they looked closer in age the attraction and the connection would have been more reasonable.  Some other friends felt this is a 23-year-old predator pursuing a 17-year-old kid.  Or, was this just about two men coming of age and a realization of their attraction to one another together at different ages and stages of their lives.

I saw it differently than Frank, I came out older around 26 and this was not just to the world but also to my own reality.  So, I could identify with an older man, although 23 is not that old, that is finally coming to the realization that he might be attracted to a man.  I realize personally that maturity and personal realization can come later in life for many.  Oliver does seem to hold off and to be genuinely concerned for the younger man and how he will react to their attraction before acting on it.  It also seemed to me they were both immature about relationships and were coming out to one another.

I realize my view as others is influenced by my own experience, as my first romantic relationship was with an older man in Fort Lauderdale.  He was from Boston, and looking back at it probably not as old as I am today.  He was taller, blonde, and was married to a woman, and he told me their marriage was a platonic friendship and were not lovers. They were moving to Fort Lauderdale, and his wife was going to follow him a month later.  I remember what started as an innocent friendship, became more romantic and we were beginning to see each other every day.  Then I realized I was in love and was sure he was falling in love with me.  Then about two weeks in, his wife decided to move down sooner than expected, maybe she was suspicious (platonic indeed).  He had to move into their newly rented home, and disappeared.  Changed phone number, and ended up truly never talking to me again.  This was before the internet so no way to google and stalk him thankfully!

I was upset, but I don't remember being devastated.  My memory, once I processed it all, was how grateful I was to learn that I had the capacity to fall in love and how wonderful it was even if it was in a relationship that could never be.  To me, this is very similar to the movie, where they genuinely care about each other and sex is more a fulfillment of that affection for one another.

The scene in the movie that touched me the most, was the one with Elio and his dad on the sofa.  When Oliver has gone back to the states, and Elio is trying to deal with the fact that he was not going to see him again.  His father expressed how lucky Elio was to have found love, and the deep connection, even if it was not going to last.  Instead of hardening his heart he should let the feelings exist including the sorrow because over time our hearts and bodies wear out.  If it had been my movie, I would have ended it there.  The lesson of being grateful when one finds love, that even if it does not last or the relationship doesn’t, the feeling of love for another person should be cherished and valued.

My personal feeling, is that I was lucky that my first love was an older man.  Even if it was not able to become a true relationship. If my first love had been a younger man as myself, immature and more about attraction than romance, it may have had more energy, but I am don't think I would have learned the same lesson of love.  I am not sure whatever happened to him.  I thought I saw him at the beach a few years later with a woman, staring at the sidewalk along the beach as I walked by.  I had become a bit more confident in myself and I thought I saw him smile at me.  Not sure if he recognized me or that is was what I wanted to believe.  I am grateful he was kind to me even for a short time and that I loved and more importantly learned I had the capacity to fall in love.

That is what I took from the movie, and I wondered if the straight audience came away with that lesson, or the lesson of an older and younger relationship and how it all came to be, or do they see it as some friends of mine that it was an older man as a predator to a younger man sexually.