Mark Made Me Do It...

I sit here this morning in Fort Lauderdale.  As someone who loves to post pictures of lovely sunrises, sunsets, and the warmth of my home today is not that day.  I woke up to 58 degree weather, cloudy and rainy and a high that won't push over 70.  Which compared to five feet of snow in upstate NY doesn't sound so tragic, but I do feel bad for those who this may be there only week here and they want a beach day.

This ends up being an interesting moment in my life.  I have been trying with all of my mental and emotional might to fight the obvious moment coming to me next week.  No, it isn't Thanksgiving and seeing if I can dry out a turkey.  Yes, I do think the pumpkin pie recipe in the NY Times with Butternut Squash instead of Pumpkin is something I want to attempt, but his is not about that either.

It turns out next Tuesday, I turn 50 years old.  If I turn the clock and look backwards on my family it is quite fair to say this is the mid-point of my life.   Where if I were to take a purely negative outlook of this I could say it is all downhill from here, but honestly and thankfully I don't feel that way at all.  Instead, I wake up more every morning with a since of wonderment and excitement of what the second half of my life will be.  I truly believe my second half will be the best, and every day I look forward not backwards.

The first half has some quite interesting moments from being born and raised a Jewish man in Savannah GA.  Moving through a childhood that was somewhat lonely, but otherwise quite abundant in experience with a loving family and a boisterous community.  Through college years of pledging fraternities, going to classes even if that seemed contradictory to the fraternal experience at times, to being employed by IBM.  I must say the first half of my life has been quite entertaining.

With the help of IBM and some merit of my own I traveled to 5 continents.  Learned how to sell solutions, and even developed one of the first hardware, software and service bundles of the internet era.  Helped introduce the term ebusiness to customers, and grow the channel and partner opportunities within North America.  Great times, and great success that led me to live, love and enjoy the New York area for many years and with IBM a great number of friendships that continue to grow to this day.

With the personal freedom and warmth of South Florida, I was able to come out of a closet and over time break that closet down so that hiding my sexuality and who I love was no longer part of my own definition.  I won't belabor the point too much here, but with the ability to explore away from family and childhood I was able to find comfort in being honest with myself and in the end building a life of happiness, love and pride here.  It amazes me that the last 20 years have taken me from Fort Lauderdale to New York, New Jersey, and Provincetown but when it was time to calm and settle down my life I came home to Fort Lauderdale.  That is one of the reasons I  get up early most morning to watch the sunrise cause it reminds me how special and lucky this choice has been for me.  I feel bad on this cold morning for tourists, but I know the warmth will come back soon and I can just chill out here at home.

The question I ponder every morning as of late is how my second half of my life will be defined.  I don't have any limits to ideas in my head.  I honestly feel better and stronger than I can remember in my life.  I don't have the same pressures of finance that kid had coming out of college.  I am not knocking on Oprah's many doors but then again my cost of living today is lower, and thankfully there is no charge for waking up and looking at the sun across a sandy beach.  What will I become that will help define the second half of my life and what kind of career will I build.

I am writing this blog against all of my internal desire.  The honest truth is my birthdays don't come with much fanfare usually.  Let's be honest Thanksgiving is a bigger deal and I like it that way.  Except for my Bar Mitzvah and an occasional birthday party as a child, my birthdays have passed pretty quietly and helps explain as I age why I tend to not focus on them.  Truth be told, the occasional "Birthday" such as turning 40 have happened and when the focus is on my birthday quirky not such good things happen around them.   I think it has as much to do with the beginning of the stress of the "holiday season" as it does with my actual birthday and so not paying attention to this day is truthfully my desire.

That said, my friend Mark keeps trying to turn my head around. That playing an Ostrich and burying my head in the sand of this day is not going to work very well.  It is interesting because this week was to be quite busy work wise and due to some unusual challenges such as an impending holiday that excitement has been postponed.  So, I have a few more quiet moments than usual to think and ponder the future. 

When I start my drive to the beach on many mornings, and if I have some angst about the day ahead, I try to spontaneously think of words to describe my mood.  Usually they surprise me in the sense that they unveil something that makes me realize what is causing that stress.  Maybe it is a challenge of confidence, or sometimes it surprises me as a worry about others that I care about.  Once the challenge is identified it is usually resolved quickly with a lovely sunrise such as Monday's, a good Annie Lenox song on my MotoX, or just some realization of the coffee after that what is hanging me up is not quite that serious.  I usually end these moments trying to determine my happiness and realize that overall I have a pretty lucky life and am happier than most.

When I think of the words I would like to define the second have of my life they include happiness, contentment, love, and mental and emotional growth.  They also include helpful, caring and giving back in some way to a world that has provided much happiness for me. 

If you read this, and come next Wednesday you realize in the middle of baking a pie you forgot to wish me a happy birthday, then I have succeeded once again in making it through a birthday in peace and comfort. 

If you want to mark my birthday and add a shot of syrup to a latte, or get a second donut or drink an extra beer and smile that will make me happy as well.  Truthfully it is a number, it is a day to pass by on my calendar except for remembering that I am no longer 49.  It is more the focus that this is a transition time for me overall in my life and would be regardless of the date or my age. 

So, do something fun and have a very Happy Thanksgiving and I imagine my morning will start as it usually does... enjoying a sunrise and reminding myself that I have a lot to be thankful for including your friendship.