Where will I be this Yom Kippur?
Where will I be this Yom Kippur?
For so long in my life, Yom Kippur and Kol Nidre, helped define how my year would be. There are so many memories to share.
For those of you who do not know, Yom Kippur is a holiday called the "Day of Atonement", and actually is ten days after Rosh Hashanah. That period of time is a time of celebration of the new year, but is also a time of repentance and prayer for a healthy and prosperous new year. G-d is passing judgment on all humans and deciding their fate for the coming year.
As a kid, Rosh Hashanah was the fun holiday. The shofar was blown in Synagogue. The meals from my Mom, Granny and Aunts were wonderful and everyone was celebratory. The synagogue and ark coverings were changed to all white, and there was a feeling of what a New Year should be. But lurking in the liturgy and prayer, were these repentant theme of confession, repenting, and praying to be inscribed in the book of life and to have a happy and prosperous year.
Yom Kippur, was the reverse, it is a solemn holiday. It is a fast day for the adults, and is a serious fast. From Sundown to sundown no eating or drinking. The time in synagogue for Rosh Hashanah is long, but Yom Kippur, minus a break in the afternoon and time for sleep the evening before the services are basically all day long. Constant prayer, reading, and fasting because at the end of the 10 days from Rosh Hashanah your fate is sealed.
For me as a kid, Yom Kippur was one of those few days where the adults focus was not on us. My mother took Kol Nidre and the lighting of yartzeight (memorial candles) very serious for her father and the whole process of Kol Nidre and services was a serious and solemn occasion. I don't remember too much from a young age but I do remember that Yom Kippur was a solemn holiday and we were to not cause any distractions from that.
As I got older, things changed some. I remember one year before I was bar mitzvah'd and my mother basically said you are old enough to fast now. So, I started to fast. Now, the truth is I found it pretty easy on the food side but the not drinking side was a very challenging thing for me. So, what I discovered was if I got up at 2am and drank two big glasses of water I could get through the rest of it pretty easily. So, I broke the rules at least up till my Bar Mitzvah.
These holidays and especially Yom Kippur, were also centered on my Grandpa. Earlier in my life he was determined for us to be in the sanctuary (not just playing outside) and the fasting was a serious event for him. He always had smelling salts, and for most years he would fast. As he aged, this became harder for him until one year my folks had the Rabbi tell him he could stop.
There was always a break the fast after the holiday. Eggs, Grits, and all the foods that you could imagine and everyone would celebrate. When my Grandpa arrived getting him fed and a cup of coffee was the urgent moment but there was great fun and celebration.
As I got older, I stayed focused on these holidays. I always fasted on Yom Kippur. In New York would go to the gay synagogue in NYC and enjoy the feeling of tradition, community and celebration. Truthfully, the congregation and prayer was quite traditional, aside from recognizing the matriarchs in the same sentences as the patriarchs in prayer, the services were quite similar to my upbringing. Truth be told, most men sat together and most women did, so if you weren't too careful you could imagine more similarities to the celebration to my youth than differences. I don't know that I felt as much about the prayer, but seeing a community together and hearing what for me was a whole new perspective on the liturgy of my youth was both eye opening and empowering.
I have written about the services around 9/11 and how comforting they were for me and so I have very fond memories of those services. The Rabbis and Synagogue leaders looked at the stories and prayers differently than my youth. Stories such as Abraham looking to sacrifice Isaac for G-d, and discussing it from the perspective of Isaac was not something I was raised to consider. This was to be the greatest sacrifice of Abraham for G-d but I realized over time and consideration that from Isaac's point of view this was a different moment and an opportunity to consider what is right not just how this was communicated to me as a child.
The honest answer, about where is Brian this Yom Kippur, is it’s complicated. It is hard to take the strict orthodox observance of my youth. These are the same people who believe scripture says I am committing a terrible sin because those my heart chooses to love are other men and not women. That if the religious courts of long ago were in place I could be actually stoned to death for this love in my heart. It is also hard to take this all seriously when they continue as other strict religions, to not be able to open their minds and hearts to others and their different choices for how to live their own lives. They at times, not only act committed to their own interpretation of these biblical laws but also to be judgmental of others who do not follow or agree with them.
I am perplexed by a religion I was raised in focused one educating all children, boys and girls and a religion today that does not seem from my point of view to encourage girls to continue their education and grow intellectually along with their spirituality. A religion that was founded on debate, that is documented in the Talmud, which such debate started many of the judicial and legal processes that have evolved all societies. But, today the idea of debate of what the Torah means and how to adapt to a modern culture is seen as blasphemous.
The honest answer is, Brian appreciates the universe and wonders about G-d. Yom Kippur for me started this morning with an unusually lovely sunrise and wonderment about the future. I really do not know what to believe at this point. I am not sure of what religion to be, or what I truly believe. I realize this is a challenge for many in my life. I proclaim myself to be a Gay, Jewish Man who doesn't really know what I believe in spiritually. This idea of being Jewish without being a "practicing" Jew seems to be unique as we combine both a religion and ethnicity into one group of people. So many define themselves as an "Italian" American, or "English" American, or "Russian" American but in this country Jews tend to define and be defined as Jewish above where there family originated from and is a further distinction beyond a religious observance.
Should I be repenting for just being who I am? Honestly I am not sure about a G-d who would believe I should be punished because of the love in my heart and how would I if I could want to change that.
So, there is a tingle inside about what this all means. There is a challenge and a continued urge of a child who was in synagogue sitting next to his Grandpa. As I age more, I see how often my time in Synagogue was about being with Grandpa as much or more than it was about being in Synagogue There is still that child, who recognizes and respects his Jewish heritage but at the same time there is an adult who isn't sure about what this means for his future. So, as I think this evening about Kol Nidre and the chanting about unfulfilled promises that was created around the Inquisition because Jews were made to publicly declare they were Christians to survive, I wonder where will I be in the future.
I have to confess that it is hard to write this blog post. Not because I am afraid of change, honest a good friend in NC said I seem to embrace change and act as a change agent for my life. I realize there are some who may read this, especially in my family, that may find this uncomfortable. That said, it would be hard to have a blog that is a fairly open dialogue about my life and not include something as fundamental as religious beliefs and where my heart and soul may be at the moment.
For so long in my life, Yom Kippur and Kol Nidre, helped define how my year would be. There are so many memories to share.
For those of you who do not know, Yom Kippur is a holiday called the "Day of Atonement", and actually is ten days after Rosh Hashanah. That period of time is a time of celebration of the new year, but is also a time of repentance and prayer for a healthy and prosperous new year. G-d is passing judgment on all humans and deciding their fate for the coming year.
As a kid, Rosh Hashanah was the fun holiday. The shofar was blown in Synagogue. The meals from my Mom, Granny and Aunts were wonderful and everyone was celebratory. The synagogue and ark coverings were changed to all white, and there was a feeling of what a New Year should be. But lurking in the liturgy and prayer, were these repentant theme of confession, repenting, and praying to be inscribed in the book of life and to have a happy and prosperous year.
Yom Kippur, was the reverse, it is a solemn holiday. It is a fast day for the adults, and is a serious fast. From Sundown to sundown no eating or drinking. The time in synagogue for Rosh Hashanah is long, but Yom Kippur, minus a break in the afternoon and time for sleep the evening before the services are basically all day long. Constant prayer, reading, and fasting because at the end of the 10 days from Rosh Hashanah your fate is sealed.
For me as a kid, Yom Kippur was one of those few days where the adults focus was not on us. My mother took Kol Nidre and the lighting of yartzeight (memorial candles) very serious for her father and the whole process of Kol Nidre and services was a serious and solemn occasion. I don't remember too much from a young age but I do remember that Yom Kippur was a solemn holiday and we were to not cause any distractions from that.
As I got older, things changed some. I remember one year before I was bar mitzvah'd and my mother basically said you are old enough to fast now. So, I started to fast. Now, the truth is I found it pretty easy on the food side but the not drinking side was a very challenging thing for me. So, what I discovered was if I got up at 2am and drank two big glasses of water I could get through the rest of it pretty easily. So, I broke the rules at least up till my Bar Mitzvah.
These holidays and especially Yom Kippur, were also centered on my Grandpa. Earlier in my life he was determined for us to be in the sanctuary (not just playing outside) and the fasting was a serious event for him. He always had smelling salts, and for most years he would fast. As he aged, this became harder for him until one year my folks had the Rabbi tell him he could stop.
There was always a break the fast after the holiday. Eggs, Grits, and all the foods that you could imagine and everyone would celebrate. When my Grandpa arrived getting him fed and a cup of coffee was the urgent moment but there was great fun and celebration.
As I got older, I stayed focused on these holidays. I always fasted on Yom Kippur. In New York would go to the gay synagogue in NYC and enjoy the feeling of tradition, community and celebration. Truthfully, the congregation and prayer was quite traditional, aside from recognizing the matriarchs in the same sentences as the patriarchs in prayer, the services were quite similar to my upbringing. Truth be told, most men sat together and most women did, so if you weren't too careful you could imagine more similarities to the celebration to my youth than differences. I don't know that I felt as much about the prayer, but seeing a community together and hearing what for me was a whole new perspective on the liturgy of my youth was both eye opening and empowering.
I have written about the services around 9/11 and how comforting they were for me and so I have very fond memories of those services. The Rabbis and Synagogue leaders looked at the stories and prayers differently than my youth. Stories such as Abraham looking to sacrifice Isaac for G-d, and discussing it from the perspective of Isaac was not something I was raised to consider. This was to be the greatest sacrifice of Abraham for G-d but I realized over time and consideration that from Isaac's point of view this was a different moment and an opportunity to consider what is right not just how this was communicated to me as a child.
The honest answer, about where is Brian this Yom Kippur, is it’s complicated. It is hard to take the strict orthodox observance of my youth. These are the same people who believe scripture says I am committing a terrible sin because those my heart chooses to love are other men and not women. That if the religious courts of long ago were in place I could be actually stoned to death for this love in my heart. It is also hard to take this all seriously when they continue as other strict religions, to not be able to open their minds and hearts to others and their different choices for how to live their own lives. They at times, not only act committed to their own interpretation of these biblical laws but also to be judgmental of others who do not follow or agree with them.
I am perplexed by a religion I was raised in focused one educating all children, boys and girls and a religion today that does not seem from my point of view to encourage girls to continue their education and grow intellectually along with their spirituality. A religion that was founded on debate, that is documented in the Talmud, which such debate started many of the judicial and legal processes that have evolved all societies. But, today the idea of debate of what the Torah means and how to adapt to a modern culture is seen as blasphemous.
The honest answer is, Brian appreciates the universe and wonders about G-d. Yom Kippur for me started this morning with an unusually lovely sunrise and wonderment about the future. I really do not know what to believe at this point. I am not sure of what religion to be, or what I truly believe. I realize this is a challenge for many in my life. I proclaim myself to be a Gay, Jewish Man who doesn't really know what I believe in spiritually. This idea of being Jewish without being a "practicing" Jew seems to be unique as we combine both a religion and ethnicity into one group of people. So many define themselves as an "Italian" American, or "English" American, or "Russian" American but in this country Jews tend to define and be defined as Jewish above where there family originated from and is a further distinction beyond a religious observance.
Should I be repenting for just being who I am? Honestly I am not sure about a G-d who would believe I should be punished because of the love in my heart and how would I if I could want to change that.
So, there is a tingle inside about what this all means. There is a challenge and a continued urge of a child who was in synagogue sitting next to his Grandpa. As I age more, I see how often my time in Synagogue was about being with Grandpa as much or more than it was about being in Synagogue There is still that child, who recognizes and respects his Jewish heritage but at the same time there is an adult who isn't sure about what this means for his future. So, as I think this evening about Kol Nidre and the chanting about unfulfilled promises that was created around the Inquisition because Jews were made to publicly declare they were Christians to survive, I wonder where will I be in the future.
I have to confess that it is hard to write this blog post. Not because I am afraid of change, honest a good friend in NC said I seem to embrace change and act as a change agent for my life. I realize there are some who may read this, especially in my family, that may find this uncomfortable. That said, it would be hard to have a blog that is a fairly open dialogue about my life and not include something as fundamental as religious beliefs and where my heart and soul may be at the moment.
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