What does Love have to do with it?

I sit here in Fort Lauderdale, in the middle of Passover, and tomorrow is Easter.

Not only is it a lovely day in paradise, but it has been a great day to go walking. And for me walking means thinking.. I start out with the music, listening to Diana Ross, ABBA, Heather Small and others and all of a sudden something catches my mind and the ear buds come out I remember the first MP3 player I had. Was a samsung and I enjoyed it but I realized while focusing on the music I didn't always think and missed those times alone with myself.

Today's journey is a journey of religious confusion, and a journey of deciding again what it means to be gay. I keep hearing that conservative factions of my religion andreligions around the world don't hate gay people they just hate the sin of "gay" acts. I assume they mean sex. In other words, it is ok to beattracted to people of the same gender just don't have sex with them. I read the press release from the Orthodox Union (Jewish Orthodox organization) against gay marriage

and frankly read it prior to Passover it has been the overriding thought as I journeyed to the four questions the first Seder.

I have said in this blog before, that I don't think being gay is just about sex. Frankly, I think at a certain younger age, kids can experiment with each other of the same or different gender. Success in the form of physical gratification doesn't determine their sexuality, gay, straight or even bisexual. What I think determines whether you are gay or straight is not just sexual attraction but actually has more to do with who you can have the deepest of feelings and love for. In other words, who you feel that most intimate of loves where you can't define it and you see yourselves as a couple or family. For whatever reason, I only seem to be able to have those feelings for men. I dated women in my youth. Certainly have had close relationships with women all my life, but when it comes to the deepest love of a relationship I have only been able to find that with men.

It brings me back to the movie Brokeback Mountain. The men were married to women. Successfully had children of their own. But, when it came to the deepest of emotional bonds they only had that for each other. You can see that even though they only saw each other maybe once a year. When you dissect the men's relationship and compare thatto the one they had with their wives it appears obvious to me that the love they felt for each other could not be replicated with their wives. People have asked me timeand time again did I find Brokeback Mountain depressing. I neve have. To witness that kind of love is rare, and they found each other. Shame that in the time the moviewas cast there was such a need to not only keep it in the closet, but frankly hide it from everyone in the world.

I have friends who have been married, and then after many years, children and a long marriage, they finally come out as gay. People are amazed that they have children, and so by definition have had successful sexual relationships with the opposite sex. So the pursuit of sexual gratification, at least for men, is not defining their sexuality alone. As they age, and their lives mature these people surprise their spouses and their families and come out as gay. I have been asked when I turned gay, and have yet to meet men that think this was a choice or something that happened late in life. So again, the definition of a gay relationship vs. a straight one can not be defined only in the bedroom.

So my walk brought me back to a religious and political debate in my own mind (smiles). If the torah / bible says you should not sleep with another person of the same gender. Does that refer to sex as most of the public discussion is about? and if so, their are certainly numbers of married couples gay and straight that are not sexual or at least not any more. So if marriage and the right to be married is just defined by sex, then a marriage that is only defined by love and is no longer sexual should not be a marriage gay or straight. And if frankly, marriage is actually about two people loving each other and wanting to share their lives together, then this has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Nor, does it for straight couples either.

I certainly do not want to know which married couples are having sex, and frankly I certainly don't find it any one's business and certainly not the business of church or state.

All the pursuit of gay marriage is about then, is the right to love someone unconditionally and be provided the same "benefits" our society gives any other couple that loves each other. Seems rather basic and truly a human right for everyone to me. If we keep this discussion about legal marriage to be about people who are brave enough to say to the world and their government that they love each other and they want to live their lives as a couple / family, then why does this matter if this couple is a man and woman, two men or two women?

Why can't this debate come out of the bedroom, and find its way into everyone's heart? Instead of thinking about the bedroom, witness the love that is represented by gay and straight couples. If the religion of a couple, gay or straight, believe that sex between two men or two women is a sin, then that can be handled where it belongs in the home, or in the mosque, temple, church, or synagogue. It doesn't change how they feel about each other in their heart, or their right to have their love and relationship provided the protections and benefits that secular society has determined to provide to all married couples.

So, as I sat Wednesday night, having a Seder built for one. Watching the water go by, and reading the 4 questions as I had done so many times, "why is this night different from all other nights?" a couple of men in kayaks went by obviously engrossed in their own relationship. And now after a very long walk, I do know why it is different, it brought love and relationships to the center of my thoughts and religious debate once again.

So What does love have to do with it? for me every thing!