If a tree falls in the woods.. and no one is there to hear it..
I sit here in Fort Lauderdale alone... in many ways feeling out of the norm.
Odd moments:
* In my ex's condo, that we shared while together. Able to see the changes we made together, sitting on the sofa we found together, and even looking at the CD holder my father and uncle put up on the wall for us.
* Went out to Java Boys for coffee, and watching the men waking up from a Saturday night of fun. Even though, was out to dinner with fellows, talk about a new TV show.. 5 gay Jewish men out for dinner! OY!
* Single, left IBM, with opportunities opening up sooner than I expected and wondering about what, where my future is, and what do I want it to be.
* Wondering about what comes next in my life sitting here alone and feeling content with my life today.
I sit here not in immediate desire of a husband, and continually challenged when I find a relationship. Successful relationships for me are about balance and equality. Where each is able to support themselves, independent enough to know what they want, and yet able to exist and care for each other. While at the same time sharing the ability to keep each other interested in one another, dynamic, and sharing changes in each of our lives to keep things interesting. Truthfully, this kind of equality is rare, and I had it once. Sharing in key decisions of life are made together. Where to live? Where to go on vacation? How to entertain and share friends? Understanding the need of alone time. Sharing but not one partner leading or following the other.
Frankly, I don't do well and never have living up to some model expectation of what I should be. Whether that is at work, home, family, or in a relationship. The assumption that because this is the "model" that people are to be at a given moment seems to fail me consistently. It has helped me more than hurt me, but for certain it has caused challenges in relationships with others romantically, family and friends.
In Gay relationships, the desire to follow the straight marriage model seems to be compelling to many. I wonder if it is genetic. Where one partner assumes a role of the husband, provider, and leader. One assumes the role of caring, loving, home maker. I enjoy caring for others, and always have. I have learned to be a good cook, and think I have put together nice homes. But, I always have had problems assuming a role. Every time I see what appears to be me conforming to some model of expectations, I look to change those expectations of me. I hate to think of my life as a check list that someone else made for how I should act and behave. Definitely causes challenges, entering into a relationship, and for people to truly get to know me.
At work, not fitting a model helped me be more successful. It also helped because in competitive situations people did not know what to expect from me, or they frankly underestimated me. It allowed me to be a leader, team player, and successful at projects and jobs that were unexpected. It also helped on international work trips, because I didn't fit the model they had of an American business leader coming to their country on a business trip. In contrast of a typical American coming to tell them how to do things, I always wanted to understand their expectaions of success and understand how I could help them be more successful. This allowed them not only to open up more, but also to see me as an asset not just a HQ leader coming to check on them. It also caused me to approach projects differently, and I believe win the respect of people that I worked with.
It also causes me to approach family differently. I am sure my family wishes at times that I was more consistent. Certainly more predictable... and maybe at time not "queer". But, I was raised to think differently and not to look at things the same way as others. That is the hallmark of my Dad, and I hope to have gained some of his perspective. Not looking toward money, or the opinions of others to validate my life or happiness. It also as I have grown older, caused me to look at friendships differently. Looking for more balance, honesty and harmony more than some desire for excitement.
As I look to relationships, and this gay world I live in, I see the same kind of challenge that I don't fit a model. That is... I am not looking to fit the model of caretaker, certainly as I age not looking to take on more of a "Daddy" role for younger men. Nor, do I want to be taken care of. I am not looking for a man who wants to be my guide to a better life. I actually want a man who understand what is important, and can share and the tension that builds. I had the luxury of that for 12 years. But, as we grew, and as we changed and became more successful the relationship gave way to what I hope will be a lasting true brotherhood kind of friendship.
I wonder.. if that level of love, equality, and sharing will be a part of my life again. I realize how rare that kind of life is, and I am grateful that I shared that life once. Waking up with someone you love, sweet dog, and feeling like a family is something I will always cherish. Maybe, that is one reason it became important to me to sell the house in New Jersey. That, I needed to start fresh as I am in my career. The house that was the best of times, and some of the more challenging will give way to a better life. Maybe in Florida and Provincetown, or somewhere else.
I am lucky to be able to explore choices in a time and economy where others are struggling to keep up. Also, lucky to be able to do that today in Fort Lauderdale and then fly back to Provincetown. Come end of May, for a while, Provincetown will be my only home. Wonder how that will effect my affection for what has become my new home town?
Hugs to everyone!
Brian
Odd moments:
* In my ex's condo, that we shared while together. Able to see the changes we made together, sitting on the sofa we found together, and even looking at the CD holder my father and uncle put up on the wall for us.
* Went out to Java Boys for coffee, and watching the men waking up from a Saturday night of fun. Even though, was out to dinner with fellows, talk about a new TV show.. 5 gay Jewish men out for dinner! OY!
* Single, left IBM, with opportunities opening up sooner than I expected and wondering about what, where my future is, and what do I want it to be.
* Wondering about what comes next in my life sitting here alone and feeling content with my life today.
I sit here not in immediate desire of a husband, and continually challenged when I find a relationship. Successful relationships for me are about balance and equality. Where each is able to support themselves, independent enough to know what they want, and yet able to exist and care for each other. While at the same time sharing the ability to keep each other interested in one another, dynamic, and sharing changes in each of our lives to keep things interesting. Truthfully, this kind of equality is rare, and I had it once. Sharing in key decisions of life are made together. Where to live? Where to go on vacation? How to entertain and share friends? Understanding the need of alone time. Sharing but not one partner leading or following the other.
Frankly, I don't do well and never have living up to some model expectation of what I should be. Whether that is at work, home, family, or in a relationship. The assumption that because this is the "model" that people are to be at a given moment seems to fail me consistently. It has helped me more than hurt me, but for certain it has caused challenges in relationships with others romantically, family and friends.
In Gay relationships, the desire to follow the straight marriage model seems to be compelling to many. I wonder if it is genetic. Where one partner assumes a role of the husband, provider, and leader. One assumes the role of caring, loving, home maker. I enjoy caring for others, and always have. I have learned to be a good cook, and think I have put together nice homes. But, I always have had problems assuming a role. Every time I see what appears to be me conforming to some model of expectations, I look to change those expectations of me. I hate to think of my life as a check list that someone else made for how I should act and behave. Definitely causes challenges, entering into a relationship, and for people to truly get to know me.
At work, not fitting a model helped me be more successful. It also helped because in competitive situations people did not know what to expect from me, or they frankly underestimated me. It allowed me to be a leader, team player, and successful at projects and jobs that were unexpected. It also helped on international work trips, because I didn't fit the model they had of an American business leader coming to their country on a business trip. In contrast of a typical American coming to tell them how to do things, I always wanted to understand their expectaions of success and understand how I could help them be more successful. This allowed them not only to open up more, but also to see me as an asset not just a HQ leader coming to check on them. It also caused me to approach projects differently, and I believe win the respect of people that I worked with.
It also causes me to approach family differently. I am sure my family wishes at times that I was more consistent. Certainly more predictable... and maybe at time not "queer". But, I was raised to think differently and not to look at things the same way as others. That is the hallmark of my Dad, and I hope to have gained some of his perspective. Not looking toward money, or the opinions of others to validate my life or happiness. It also as I have grown older, caused me to look at friendships differently. Looking for more balance, honesty and harmony more than some desire for excitement.
As I look to relationships, and this gay world I live in, I see the same kind of challenge that I don't fit a model. That is... I am not looking to fit the model of caretaker, certainly as I age not looking to take on more of a "Daddy" role for younger men. Nor, do I want to be taken care of. I am not looking for a man who wants to be my guide to a better life. I actually want a man who understand what is important, and can share and the tension that builds. I had the luxury of that for 12 years. But, as we grew, and as we changed and became more successful the relationship gave way to what I hope will be a lasting true brotherhood kind of friendship.
I wonder.. if that level of love, equality, and sharing will be a part of my life again. I realize how rare that kind of life is, and I am grateful that I shared that life once. Waking up with someone you love, sweet dog, and feeling like a family is something I will always cherish. Maybe, that is one reason it became important to me to sell the house in New Jersey. That, I needed to start fresh as I am in my career. The house that was the best of times, and some of the more challenging will give way to a better life. Maybe in Florida and Provincetown, or somewhere else.
I am lucky to be able to explore choices in a time and economy where others are struggling to keep up. Also, lucky to be able to do that today in Fort Lauderdale and then fly back to Provincetown. Come end of May, for a while, Provincetown will be my only home. Wonder how that will effect my affection for what has become my new home town?
Hugs to everyone!
Brian
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